Two Cents is a Cinapse original column akin to a book club for films. The Cinapse team curates the series and contribute their “two cents” using a maximum of 200-400 words. Guest contributors and comments are encouraged, as are suggestions for future picks. Join us as we share our two cents on films we love, films we are curious about, and films we believe merit some discussion. Would you like to be a guest contributor or programmer for an upcoming Two Cents entry? Simply watch along with us and/or send your pitches or 200-400 word reviews to [email protected].
We all know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and all that noise, right? There are tons of Christmas movies from neo-classics like Elf to old time favorites like A Miracle on 34th St to Hallmark’s 1000 new films each year to that Hot Frosty movie on Netflix that’s getting all the buzz. We have all seen these and we all have our favorites and least favorites. And, each year there are hundreds of film bros who tell you that Die Hard is their favorite Christmas movie, too. This is a valid selection, for sure… at least, in our eyes… as Christmais in the eye of the beholder. So, this year, in the spirit of John McClane, we present some other films that are secretly Christmas films.
The Pick: COBRA (1986)
This week, due to my busy schedule last week, we will get a double dose of our “Backdoor Santa” selections (I’ve been waiting to say that for a few weeks now), starting today with the tale of a badass and hard nosed (or perhaps fascist) cop, Lt. Marion Cobretti. In the wake of the hubbub about the UNC CEO murders, the capture of maybe killer/maybe patsy Luigi in Altoona, and an ever growing dialog around policing, inequality, and what’s right – I can promise this film will shed zero light on how to approach it. In fact, the only super positive thing I can say about the film is that it’s extremely entertaining… and it seems that’s one thing we all agree on here.
The Team
Spencer Brickey
Hoo boy; Cobra. Stallone, clearly peaking off the machismo of doing Rambo: First Blood Part II and Rocky IV the year prior, is Marion Cobretti, a renegade cop (some say “renegade”, some say “incredibly and dangerously fascist”) who plays by his own rules, shooting down killers, chasing down thugs in his rad hotrod, and making some of the most eye rolling one-liners of all time.
What is clearly Stallone’s take on both Dirty Harry and an answer to Schwarzenegger’s specific swagger (not a coincidence Commando came out the year prior), it is also, weirdly, a perfect example of a Poliziotteschi film. For quick context, Poliziotteschi films were a specific brand of police procedurals that gained popularity in Italy in the late ‘60s through the ‘70s. They were known for their insane car chases, usually through the streets of Rome, as well as incredibly gruesome, and usually sexual, violence.
Poliziotteschi films were also known for their intensely fascist politics. These films were always about a world on the edge, where bloodshed filled the streets, and if only those damn bureaucrats got out of the way, our protagonist could finally clean the streets. By the end, after some fools got wasted and some innocent people got butchered, our protagonist would be put into a position to either arrest our villains, or blow them away, and, you guessed it; they always blew them away. Now, while this isn’t too far off from what American cinema was putting out, we were never supposed to think Harry Calahan or Popeye Doyle were good people; the protagonists of Poliziotteschi films were always the hero’s, fighting against a corrupt system.
Now, what I’ve described above, is Cobra to a T. Cobra wants to blow all the sickos away, but soft cops like Detective Monte (played by Dirty Harry’s killer Andrew Robinson) want to keep him from cleaning the streets. Soon, though, the city is overrun with killers, and only Cobra’s unorthodox ways will put them down for good. It even contains a Giallo quality killer; a perpetually sweat drenched Brian Thompson, brandishing an insane knife/brass knuckles piece, while over annunciating “pig” with all his might.
Listen, I’ll admit, it does feel a bit strange being this enamored with a film so blatantly fascist after the election cycle we’ve had, but there’s something great about turning your brain off, and letting yourself get swept into something this deranged.
James Tyler
I had never seen Cobra before this viewing, and knew essentially two things about it: that it was a project that sprung from rejected idea of a more violent, less comedic version of Beverly Hills Cop that starred Stallone, and that Cobra cuts his pizza with scissors. I suppose that isn’t entirely true because thanks to this series, I also knew it was set during Christmas, though that final fact is definitely in the “blink and you’ll miss it” category. What I wasn’t aware of was that it features an axe-obsessed murder cult.
Despite being aware of its reputation for being violent, I wasn’t entirely prepared for just how brutish of a film Cobra really is. Essentially Stallone’s attempt at having his own Dirty Harry franchise (it even has Reni Santoni nearly playing his exact same character from Dirty Harry), it paints a picture of an America that is besieged by unimaginable violence, and the price that must be paid to stop that violence is more violence. Essentially Cobra the character is a force of rage and fire. He is the “cure” for crime in the sense that nothing can withstand his wrath that stands before it. Multiple times the film uses him as a vehicle to lament about the fact that criminals have to be treated as human beings. What a bother.
But of course Cobra’s idea of criminals barely constitutes anything resembling human beings. They are forces of pure malevolent endangerment, demons that have been unleashed to croak out their philosophy of hunters and hunted, and their moral obligation to cull the weak. It is an outsized version of the rolling crime over urban crime that has gripped the American psyche for over a century.
But the true contradiction about Cobra is despite all this ugliness, it’s kind of a beautiful film? It helps that Stallone himself had and has never been prettier than in this movie, a beautiful monument to mumbling masculinity. But director George Cosmatos’ use of shadow, especially in the climatic foundry action sequence, are so evocative that you kind of forget that this movie’s views on policing are pretty abhorrent. Plus it gave us the image below.So I can’t entirely be angry with it.
Ed Travis
“In America, there’s a burglary every 11 seconds, an armed robbery every 65 seconds, a violent crime every 25 seconds, a murder every 24 minutes and 250 rapes a day.” – Stallone’s opening narration/thesis statement for Cobra.
Morally reprehensible and paper thin, Cobra is an indefensible film that I love. Currently awash in awards season screeners of varying levels of seriousness and relevance, watching Cobra was somewhat of a palette cleanser of asinine entertainment from a bygone era that nonetheless trades on all the fear mongering and “good guy with a gun” narratives that still seem to frighten our masses and get leaders elected today. Political relevance and moral bankruptcy aside, Cobra is action cinema turned up to 11 and I just can’t be too mad about it. Marion Cobretti cuts cold pizza with scissors to eat it. He drives maybe the coolest car any cop in any movie has ever driven. He’s got a Cobra on the pearl plates on his gun. He uses a match as a toothpick. He never takes off his leather driving gloves. Like ever. Even to cut pizza with scissors. It’s the little things. He also hates bad guys and sees himself as existing where the law stops. And beds the criminal witness he’s protecting. And blames judges for ever letting felons back onto the streets. In other words, he’s not a good guy with a gun. I’ve always loved the villains in Cobra. They’re a murderous death cult with seemingly no actual ideology or even really a plan? They just go on murder sprees together and see no issue stalking Brigitte Neilsen (whose character begins the film being pressured for sex from a fashion photographer, and ends the film in a relationship Cobretti, the detective assigned to her case) until their entire gang is wiped out with the only motivation being… she saw them kill a guy once? I adore Cobra and it’s among the dumbest films of the 1980s action era.
I do take at least some issue with Justin considering this a Christmas movie. Despite being set in and around Christmas, with some Christmas decorations in the background, it’s hard for me to pull out anything that makes it feel thematically or tonally Christmassy. But hey, you know what, I can’t give Justin too hard of a time because this was the optimal palette cleanser. Sometimes, I just need the bad guy to be the disease, and Stallone to be the cure.
I actually discovered this one only a few years ago. I admittedly have many action blindspots. However, I was told that the opening action setpiece in this film was one of the best of all-time, so I dove in and was not disappointed. The opening sequence alone makes this one well worth a watch or five.
But, as everyone noted already, Cobretti is not a good dude. And, in today’s climate, he’s even more troubling a character. So, it’s important to watch this movie for surface level entertainment and not internalize the themes or be influenced by Cobra’s actions at all. AT ALL.
Ed notes that this isn’t “Christmassy” enough in his mind to warrant its inclusion here, but I have very broad and liberal definitions with my art and culture. For example, my favorite genre is horror – and, for me, often includes lots of films others would say aren’t “really horror”. Same goes with my Christmas genre film watching. Does it occur in December? Is there a single Christmas tree or mention of the holiday? GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
Either way, the insanity and fun of the action here is enough reason to watch again and again – and watch again, I will!
…YOU KNOW THAT’S ACTUALLY A CHRISTMAS MOVIE, RIGHT?
To ring in the Holiday Season, the Cinapse team has assembled all of our favorite movies full of Holiday Cheer–all while pretending to be anything but a Christmas movie. Our list for Noel Actually includes Sylvester Stallone action epics, Medieval twists of fate, a whimsical anime take on the Biblical Magi, the rebirth of Humanity, and of course, Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman–ensuring December has a wide spectrum of cinema for the nice and naughty alike to enjoy.
Join us by contacting our team or emailing [email protected]!
12/2 – Cobra
12/9 – The Green Knight
12/16 – Tokyo Godfathers
12/23 – Children of Men
12/30 – Batman Returns
