Sometimes we just pick something because of the title.

Two Cents is an original column akin to a book club for films. The Cinapse team will program films and contribute our best, most insightful, or most creative thoughts on each film using a maximum of 200 words each. Guest writers and fan comments are encouraged, as are suggestions for future entries to the column. Join us as we share our two cents on films we love, films we are curious about, and films we believe merit some discussion.

The Pick

Velocipastor. Half pastor, half veloci. Sometimes we just dive into a pick without really knowing just what it is we’re diving into, and this was one of those times. The Velocipastor is a real, actual, 90 minute movie about — a preaching dinosaur? Chapter 40 of the Book of Job? Wait, are those ninjas on the poster?

Brendan told me I could either do The Velocipastor or The Fanatic but not both, so here we are. Did I make the right choice? Let’s find out…

Did you get a chance to watch along with us this week? Want to recommend a great (or not so great) film for the whole gang to cover? Comment below or post on our Facebook or hit us up on Twitter!

Next Week’s Pick:

It’s with great sadness that we say goodbye to a horror icon. Stuart Gordon has made an indelible impact on horror films since hitting the scene with 1985’s Re-Animator, and we want to honor him by sharing one of his best — and yet lesser known — films. Dagon is Gordon’s ultimate Lovecraft adaptation, a deeply atmospheric descent into the nightmarish world of the Chtulhu mythos.

Would you like to be a guest in next week’s Two Cents column? Simply watch and send your under-200-word review to twocents(at)!

The Team

Justin Harlan:

Never fear, The Velocipastor is here. I was waiting for this one for months and months before it finally dropped. Much to my dismay, I was unable to attend my Philly screening. As the film was screened in the basement of a United Methodist church that I used to use for punk concerts in my pre-kids mid-20s, I’m sure it was the most incredible atmosphere to see such an irreverent and bizarre low budget film.

With this said, I was able to get my hands on the film not too long after and it didn’t disappoint. Complete with a “missing reel” and over the top concepts and action, this is a film that’s hard not to have fun with. Those who don’t appreciate it likely have no soul… which is a shame because the Velocipastor is here to save all of our souls.

From beginning to end, this is a fantastic low budget blast. The acting is (intentionally) not great and the effects are a mixed bag, but this film is exactly what fans of low budget and microbudget film should be looking for. If you haven’t watched yet, check out the trailer and you should be completely sold. (@thepaintedman)

Austin Vashaw:

So I had pretty much no real idea of what to expect with this one except that it’s called The Velocipastor and released by Wild Eye which is known for bottom-budget yet interesting horror movies.

The Velocipastor hangs a 90-minute movie on a wordplay, and not even a particularly good or accurate one one at that (“raptor” and “pastor” only half-rhyme, and technically the character isn’t really either).

On the surface there’s certainly a perception that the mashup title hews close to a “Sharknado” — that school of filmmaking that says let’s get two weird unrelated concepts and jam ’em together and see what happens. Setting out to make an intentionally bad movie is a difficult thing to pull off with any level of success, but I’ll say this for Velocipastor: it avoids the worst-case scenario, which would be to simply feel like a lame cash grab.

It’s definitely throwing a lot of weird stuff at the screen — a world populated by Christian ninjas, a cartoonish pimp, and a priest who gains the ability to transform into a dinosaur — but it doesn’t ever feel cynical about it. It’s a fun, self-aware, and low-key murder-and-mayhem adventure with a few chuckle-worthy gags and a laughably chonky dinosaur costume, and gives the sensation that the folks involved were having fun making something silly to share with the world. (@VforVashaw)

Brendan Foley (via DM):

Sorry Justin, guess I have no soul.

This is honestly the kind of movie that I just cannot stand, the intentionally bad bad movie that is constantly winking at you about how dumb and silly it is. Truly great bad movies are the result of artistic vision and drive as pure as that behind any masterpiece, whereas movies like this that keep pausing to remind you that they know how stupid they are just come across as smug and airless to me.

I’m sorry to say that I lost patience with this one very quickly. I love low budget genre cinema and the spirit of invention and creativity that go into pulling off magic on a shoestring budget. But movies like The Velocipastor that go out of their way to make the least amount of effort possible just bum me out. Glad the other guys seemed to like it, though. (@TheTrueBrendanF)

Next week’s pick:

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