And here we are again.
As I have done twice before, I now present you with my handy guide to the movies that will be vying for your attention for the next few months. Though this year, I’m merely batting clean-up, as our resident Precog James Carey foretold what would come to pass way back in 2013, and Liam’s Cinepunx podcast did their own look at this summers offerings… sort of.
But what you’re reading right now is the end-all, be-all! Your comprehensive, one-stop shop for every movie coming out between now and the dreaded Labor Day, when robots stop exploding and everyone starts developing feelings in anticipation of the only other season Hollywood cares about: awards season.
Oh, and for an added bit of fun, I’ve helpfully provided alternate titles for selected movies that better reflect their content.
I imagine this will last until somewhere late in July, at which point I’ll probably get bored with the gimmick and it will be forgotten entirely.
We like to hear from you guys, so hit us up on Facebook, or Twitter. Let us know what movies you’re looking forward to checking out this summer. Have I sold you on something you were hazy on? Do you disagree with one of my opinions? Explain to me why you’re wrong about that in the comments below!
MAY 1
MARVEL’S THE AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON
The Skinny: Okay, how about we not start this thing off by me insulting your intelligence? You know what this is.
My Take: It’s just as well that Cinapse started when it did; any earlier and I would have been the guy that thought The Avengers was going to suck. And while I don’t think it helps anyone to point fingers, or laugh at anyone in particular for their opinions, I’d still advise caution. Mainly because it’s very hard to capture lightning in a bottle twice. But also because in all his promotional interviews, Joss Whedon seems to be suffering from severe PTSD. Which may not be the best sign…
Possible Alternate Title: Marvel’s Ch-Ching: Age Of I Just Bought A Fucking Yacht
FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD
The Skinny: If The Avengers isn’t to your liking, perhaps you’d prefer to turn your multiplex into an AP English class. Carey Mulligan and Tom Sturridge star in Thomas Vinterberg’s adaptation of that book you pretended to read in high school. It was by Thomas Hardy.
My Take: Well, it certainly looks like a prestige adaptation of some literature. So… mission accomplished, I guess. I mean, I took basic English classes in high school (hence, this grammar) so I don’t have a frame of reference for this kind of thing. But as the saying goes, if it looks like your cup of Earl Grey, sip it.
Possible Alternate Title: Homework, The Movie
HYENA
The Skinny: London is the setting for this gritty, stylish cop thriller from writer-director Gerard Johnson. Peter Ferdinando is a cop engaged in a street war with Albanian and Turkish drug cartels.
My Take: America isn’t really allowed to make cop movies anymore, on account of… well, they know what they did. So it falls to other countries to pick up the slack and allow us that layer of separation that allows us to consider law enforcement as a source of entertainment again. Hyena has won some festival awards, but to me it looks like the same old thing with cooler accents. Which isn’t such a bad thing, as long as it’s done well…
RIDE
The Skinny: Helen Hunt learns how to surf. Also starring Brendan Thwaites, Luke Wilson, and David Zayas. Written and directed by Helen Hunt.
My Take: I think Helen Hunt is an underrated actress. I don’t know how she is as a writer or a director, but based on the trailer, “underrated” is not the word that comes to mind. It all looks a bit ‘Hallmark Channel’ for my tastes, but I guess that’s why they call it counterprogramming.
MAY 8
WELCOME TO ME
The Skinny: Kisten Wiig stars as a bipolar lottery winner that finances her own talk show in this dramatic comedy with a ridiculously stacked cast that includes James Marsden, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Joan Cusack, Tim Robbins, and Wes Bentley.
My Take: Having hopefully put the Kirsten Wiig backlash behind us (an odd thing to have even happened, considering she’s basically done nothing except indie gigs since breaking big with Bridesmaids), let’s consider this movie on the merits that it looks pretty funny. And features quietly weird and awkward Kristen Wiig, which is, objectively speaking, the best kind of Kristen Wiig.
BEFORE I WAKE
The Skinny: Thomas Jane and Kate Bosworth adopt a child to replace their earlier, deader child, but it turns out he’s defective and his dreams become real. So probably there will be a lot of awkward conversations about sleep boners. But, you know, with a supernatural twist.
My Take: Regular readers already know I have a pretty firm stance on PG-13 horrors movies, and this ain’t gonna be the one to make me change my tune.
Possible Alternate Title: Oh, I Guess Butterflies Are Supposed To Be Scary Now
MAGGIE
The Skinny: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s daughter is very, very sick.
My Take: Well… shit.
In my defense, when I said I had a rule against PG-13 horror, Arnold Schwarzenegger hadn’t made one…
HOT PURSUIT
The Skinny: Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara get all Midnight Run on our asses!
My Take: From the looks of the trailer, this probably won’t be good, but might be quite a bit of fun. If nothing else, it will be interesting to see if Vergara’s shtick can hold up for longer than the length of a Modern Family subplot.
Incidentally, the best visual gag in this trailer isn’t Reese Witherspoon as a dude, like everybody thinks; it’s Reese Witherspoon dressed up in police blues; she looks like a Keebler Elf that moonlights as a bachelor party stripper.
OTHER MOVIES OPENING ABOUT WHICH I HAVE NOTHING CLEVER TO SAY
Saint Laurent- Gaspard Ulliel plays the title character in this biography of the inventor of pants or something…
The D Train- Jack Black and James Marsden star in this comedy about two high school graduates who reunite for their high school reunion.
MAY 15
MAD MAX: FURY ROAD
The Skinny: Two decades beyond Thunderdome, George Miller returns to the series that put him on the map.
No, not Babe. Why does everyone always say Babe?
Tom Hardy takes the place of Mel Gibson, and Charlize Theron comes along for the ride.
My Take: What can I say about my level of anticipation for this film that hasn’t already been expressed in the form of a series of orgasmic grunts?
Possible Alternate Title: MAD MAX: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU JUST CAME FOR TWO HOURS. YOU’RE WELCOME.
PITCH PERFECT 2
The Skinny: Anna Kendrick, Anna Camp, and Anna “Rebel” Wilson and the rest all return to compete on the world stage of Acapella, which sounds so ridiculous to me that it has to be an actual thing. Directed by Effie Trinket, and written by people who would very much like us to know that ‘pitch’ rhymes with ‘bitch’.
My Take: My understanding is that the anticipation for the movie is huge among the hip kids. But that’s never been my target demo, so to me this is a sequel to one of those movies that I always catch the last twenty minutes of on cable, think “Hey, that might be all right”, and then let slip from my memory like so many chocolate sprinkles. Still, it’s a good cast (and also Adam Devine) and I’m curious how Elizabeth Banks is as a director.
THE CONNECTION
The Skinny: Taking another angle on the drug cartel that inspired The French Connection, this period era cop thriller tracks years in the life of French detective Pierre Michel (Jean Dujardin) as he tries to bring down a notorious and slippery criminal empire.
My Take: Continuing the theme of American cop thrillers not done in America, this looks a bit more exciting than Hyena, and it should be interesting to see how the movie functions in relation to the William Friedkin classic.
GOOD KILL
The Skinny: Writer/director Andrew Niccol’s latest, inspired by true events. Ethan Hawke stars as a drone pilot suffering from an attack of conscience. Bruce Greenwood, Zoe Kravitz, and January Jones also star.
My Take: Niccol is a wildly hit-and-miss filmmaker. When he’s on the ball, you get The Truman Show or Gattaca. When he’s not, you get… pretty much everything he’s made since The Truman Show or Gattaca. With Hawke as the anchor, there’s some hope for quality, but this type of thoughtful, politically engaged indie seems an odd fit for the summer season.
SLOW WEST
The Skinny: Michael Fassbender and Kodi Smit-McPhee are unlikely partners on a journey through the dangerous American frontier, hunted by a guy in a coat made of bears in this western written and directed by John Maclean, better known as the frontman for The Beta Band.
My Take: Between this, The Salvation, The Homesman, and probably some other stuff I can’t remember, it’s nice to see westerns making something of a comeback. The ever-manful Fassbender and human taffy pull Smit-McPhee make for an interesting-looking duo, and I happen to like the Beta Band, so it seems like a win to me.
I’LL SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS
The Skinny: A widower played by Blythe Danner decides to get back into the dating scene and live her few remaining years to their fullest. She finds a possible match in Sam Elliott. Presumably, they bang.
My Take: All right, the weed smoking seniors gag at the end is a little cheap. But if you don’t have room in your heart for a romance between Blythe Danner and Sam Elliott, it’s probably because you’re human garbage and your mustache looks like shit.
TIME LAPSE
The Skinny: Danielle Panabaker, Matt O’ Leary, and George Finn find a camera that takes pictures of the following day and from there everything unfolds just as you’d probably expect.
My Take: If the trailer intrigues you, see this one on opening night; I saw in a photograph that in 24 hours, it will already be out on DVD.
Possible Alternate Title: Welcome To Yesterday 2: The Day After Tomorrow
MAY 22
THE VATICAN TAPES
The Skinny: Djimon Hounsou, Michale Pena, Dougray Scott and Kathleen Robertson star in this tale of demonic possession and Catholic intervention.
My Take: Hounsou and Pena sounds like a match made in Heaven! But damned if this doesn’t look some warmed over Exorcist shit. Let’s look at the factors: It’s a PG-13 horror movie, without Arnold Schwarzennegger, and directed by Mark Neveldine of Neveldine/Taylor fame.
So, will the power of Christ compel me to watch? Hell no!
TOMORROWLAND
The Skinny: Not much is known about this movie which stars George Clooney and Britt Robertson, but it is definitely directed by Brad Bird and apparently takes place in a magical land where scientists are really, really good looking.
My Take: Really, I don’t need much to know anything more than Brad Bird/George Clooney to be there with bells on…
ALOFT
The Skinny: That smokin’ hot Pile Of Sadness Jennifer Connelly stars with Cillian Murphy and Melanie Luarent in a movie about… I dunno. There’s ice, and falcons, and maybe magical healing powers. One thing is for sure, though: Jennifer Connelly is in it, so it’s going to be depressing as shit…
My Take: I don’t have the proper connections to do so, but could someone plea get in touch with Jennifer Connelly and let her know she’s allowed to do movies where people are happy? I mean, if that seems like too big a challenge, we can start small: maybe she does a movie where no children get killed and she can work her way up from there. You know, baby steps. Except in this scenario, the baby doesn’t step off a window ledge and plummet to their death.
Possible Alternate Title: Fuck Yeah, Falcons! (The trick to movie marketing is to accentuate the positive…)
WHEN MARNIE WAS THERE
The Skinny: Studio Ghibli’s latest animated feature to be released in the states revolves around the friendship between two girls, one a sickly city slicker and the other a sheltered blonde living in a crumbling mansion. The all star American voice cast includes Kiernan Shipka, Hailee Steinfeld, Geena Davis, Kathy Bates, and John C. Reilly.
My Take: Well, it looks beautiful, it’s a great cast, and it’s certainly nice to see a story focused on female friendship, but I have to confess to a bit of disappointment. For Rhea’s sake, I was REALLY hoping this was that Girls spinoff movie I’ve been lobbying for…
POLTERGEIST
The Skinny: A remake of the Tobe Hooper (or Steven Spielberg, if you buy that certain bit of Hollywood gossip) haunted house classic. This one stars Rosemarie DeWitt and Sam Rockwell as the blighted homeowners. Replacing Zelda Rubenstein in the role of house cleaner is Jared Harris. Directed by Gil Kenan, who has some experience with this sort of thing, having directed 2006’s Monster House.
My Take: Well, that’s a good cast, and it looks pretty impressive, visually- it’s lacks the murky drabness that makes it so easy to dismiss PG-13 horror out of hand. But– I don’t know, man. At the end of the day, it’s still a remake. Plus, it kind of looks like they botched the clown scare. And if you can’t get a clown to freak me out, I have to question your entire enterprise…
Possible Alternate Title: Literally ANYTHING BESIDES POLTERGEIST. Could we at least pretend the old ideas are new?
MAY 29
SAN ANDREAS
The Skinny: After pumping up every franchise short of The Mighty Ducks, Dwayne Johnson makes another go at leading man status with this California based disaster film. After a massive earthquake, helicopter pilot Rock Coptercles (may not be actual character name) races to find his daughter, Alexandria Daddario.
That’s a weird family tree…
My Take: Disaster movies are not my cup of tea, because I prefer bad guys you can punch, and you can’t punch nature. Plus, how long will it be before Hollywood realizes just because you can get Paul Giamatti to say it doesn’t mean your dialogue isn’t still awful. Still, the impressively ludicrous scale of the destruction here and my overwhelming need to support The Rock might make this a theater experience.
Possible Alternate Title: Rocks Fall On The Rock: The Movie
RESULTS
The Skinny: Andrew Bujalski follows up his delightfully weird Computer Chess with something resembling a romantic comedy. Guy Pearce and Cobie Smulders are fitness trainers that may or may not have a thing for one another, but are almost definitely involved in a love triangle with eccentric rich guy Kevin Corrigan.
My Take: Computer Chess was pretty great, but it’s an outlier in Bujalski’s career, which otherwise consists of low key, emotionally nuanced stories. So barring any unexpected third act twists, this seems very much a return to form, albeit with a bigger budget and bigger names than ever before. Which is a bit of a disappointment in terms of artistic growth, but will probably make for a generally enjoyable film.
ALOHA
The Skinny: Emma Stone. Bradley Cooper. Rachel MacAdams. Danny McBride. Bill Murray. John Krasinki. And Alec Baldwin.
In a film by Cameron Crowe.
Oh, dear.
My Take: We have to face it, people: Cameron Crowe is a bad director now. I mean, I’ve tried to tell myself it was a slump, but I didn’t even know it was humanly possible to fall off quite this hard. Let’s start with the fact that it comes from the director of Jerry Maguire… which, lest we forget, is nearly two decades old now. Then observe how damn near every line of dialogue is bald faced exposition. And that tagline…
Good lord, that tagline…
Possible Alternate Title: Elizabethtown Goes Hawaiian; Cameron Crowe Presents: The Nail In The Coffin
BARELY LETHAL
The Skinny: Trained from childhood to be an assassin, Megan Walsh fakes her death for a chance to live the life of a normal teenage girl, only to find out that most teenagers deserve to be murdered anyway.
Probably. I don’t know how dark they’re going to go with it.
Also starring Samuel L. Jackson (as most movies do), Jessica Alba, and Sophie Turner as Megan’s number one rival.
My Take: I know that title is supposed to be clever, but it’s kind of gross. And also misleading, unless they intended to imply that Hailee Steinfeld’s character is borderline incompetent at her job.
At any rate, this is probably just a really dumb teen comedy, but I’d be lying if I said there’s not a curiosity factor in watching Sansa Stark kick some ass…
JUNE 5
ENTOURAGE
The Skinny: No.
My Take: I SAID NO.
LOVE AND MERCY
The Skinny: The story of The Beach Boys’ wounded genius Brian Wilson, as portrayed in two different periods: his 60s ascendancy, and the present day, where he struggles with mental illness and falls for Melinda Ledbetter (Elizabeth Banks), a romance that controlling therapist Dr. Landy (Paul Giamatti) can’t allow…
My Take: Paul Dano is an inspired choice to play the young Brian Wilson. John Cusack is… an interesting one to play his older self. The story of the man who devised one of the most beautiful songs ever made (“God Only Knows”) is one that deserves to be told, and this seems like a stately (if potentially by-the-numbers) telling…
SPY
The Skinny: Melissa McCarthy reunites with The Heat director Paul Feig to put a comedic spin on the spy genre. When debonair spy Jude Law is taken out of action, mild-mannered CIA analyst Susan Cooper volunteers to go undercover to take down Rose Byrne’s sinister arms dealer. Jason Statham, Alison Janney and… uh, 50 Cent co-star.
My Take: I don’t care what anyone says, Melissa McCarthy continues to be one of our finest comic talents. And the trailer has enough laughs to guarantee a ticket from me opening weekend. Besides, it might be worth it just for the mere possibility that Jason Statham might crack a smile…
INSIDIOUS: CHAPTER 3
The Skinny: Man, they really churn these things out, don’t they? Taking place before the events of the first two films, this installment explores the dark origins of the franchises’ deeply silly mythology.
My Take: I don’t want to be the kind of guy who gets annoyed that Chapter Three is a prequel. Luckily, I checked out of this series after the first one, so my investment in any of it is basically nil. But with the same basic creative team (Leigh Whannell graduates from writer of the first two to director), I imagine consistency of quality won’t be much of an issue, as long as you look past the low quality of the series in general.
Possible Alternate Title: The Conjuring, Part 6 (I guarantee you nobody would even notice…)
JUNE 12
ME AND EARL AND THE DYING GIRL
The Skinny: Having won the Grand Jury prize at this years Sundance Film Festival, Alfonso Gomez-Rejon’s coming-of-age story about a teenage filmmaker, his black friend, and the girl with terminal cancer inside of all of us…
My Take: This looks like the Sundanciest Sundance movie to ever Sundance at Sundance.
JURASSIC WORLD
The Skinny: The dinosaurs are back, and this time they’re, like, super dinos or something. Chris Pratt is the one man that can lead them to crush their human oppressors, if I’m correctly reading a certain scene out of context. The movie is directed by Colin Trevorrow (Safety Not Guaranteed) and also stars Judy Greer, Jake Johnson, Vincent D’Onofrio, Lauren Lapkus, and Bryce Dallas Howard at her Jessica Chastain-iest.
My Take: I’ve never been a big Jurassic Park guy, so I really don’t see what the big deal is. But that’s one hell of a cast, and I’ve started to feel bad for Trevorrow: whenever there’s an article decrying the lack of female directors manning big budget Hollywood movies, he’s the guy they keep singling out for his relative inexperience. So there’s a lot riding on him getting things right; if he fails, Hollywood might be forced to admit there’s some kind of bias involved.
Haha, j/k; they would never, ever do that…
JUNE 19
DOPE
The Skinny: Another Sundance success story, this Inglewood based coming of age story tackles the underreported travails of black nerds. Malcolm (Shameik Moore), a youth obsessed with the 90s, gets involved with drugs and crime. But you know, in a funny, indie sort of way.
My Take: Looks like a starmaking turn for Moore, and a fun little romp for audiences. And speaking in my capacity as a guy who had that exact same haircut in elementary school, I can say without fear of contradiction the 90s was the last great era of hip-hop, and that 99% of all modern rap is garbage. Fact.
INFINITELY POLAR BEAR
The Skinny: Parlaying his Marvel experience to decidedly different ends, Mark Ruffalo plays a bipolar husband and father who volunteers to take care of the kids in an attempt to win back his estranged wife and reunite their family. Sundance Director to Watch 2015 award winner (and Monsters and Aliens screenwriter) Maya Forbes makes her directorial debut.
My Take: This one has what I assume will be an excellent Mark Ruffalo performance in a movie that’s geared from the title on down to not be my cup of tea.
Possible Alternate Title: Manic Dad (Because it sounds like it might be clever wordplay, but isn’t; and because anything is better than Infinitely Polar Bear)
INSIDE OUT
The Skinny: After what seems like an eternity of Pixar sequels, we finally get something original with this look inside the mind of a young girl whose move to a new town stirs a battle for control of her emotions… her emotions being personified by characters voiced by Amy Poehler, Mindy Kaling, Lewis Black, Bill Hader, and Phyllis Smith.
My Take: No inner turmoil here. I’m in.
MANGLEHORN
The Skinny: David Gordon Green continues his penance for Your Highness with his work redeeming some of our finest actors. First it was Nicolas Cage in Joe and now it’s Pacino’s turn. As Manglehorn, a locksmith who can’t let go of a lost love, Pacino… seems to mope around a lot. Holly Hunter, Chris Messina, and… Harmony Korine also star.
My Take: Pacino seems appealingly low key and internal here, but it’s the texture of a David Gordon Green movie that determines its worth, and the jury is out on that one. And anytime Harmony Korine does anything at all, I find myself becoming a little… apprehensive. We’ll just have to wait and see if the movie itself is worth the performance Pacino seems to be giving…
JUNE 26
MAX
The Skinny: A dog that aided Marines in Afghanistan comes home after the death of his handler, and the brother of the dead Marine volunteers to take care of him. Traumas are overcome, lessons are learned, and I think there might be a subplot about drug smuggling or something.
My Take: See, this is a conundrum. This seems like a very silly idea for a movie. Very silly, indeed. And yet… the movie is directed by Boaz Yakin, who directed the very good Jason Statham vehicle Safe and who co-wrote the movie with Sheldon Lettich, who wrote both Bloodsport AND Lionheart (and directed Lionheart). And all of the sudden, I might maybe see a movie about a marine that’s also a dog…
Possible Alternate Title: Well, it’s a shame Dog Soldiers is already taken. Then again, so is Max, though this version threatens to have way less of John Cusack offering to buy Hitler a lemonade…
TED 2
The Skinny: Writer/director/voice of Ted Seth MacFarlane tempts fate by assuming people still give a shit about Mark Wahlberg and his talking bear. Liam Neeson, Amanda Seyfried, and Morgan Freeman all show up to make some irony-tinged pop culture references and collect a paycheck.
My Take: At this point I’ve already cycled through the five stages of Seth McFarlane (Amusement, Boredom, Confusion, Outrage, Acceptance), so the very existence of this movie doesn’t offend me. But I don’t really see the point of it, either.
BIG GAME
The Skinny: When Air Force One gets shot down by terrorists, it falls to a young boy named Oskari to put his archery skills to the test and protect the POTUS. Is this kid a bad enough dude to rescue the President?
Oh, and the President is Samuel L. Jackson.
My Take: Writer/director Jalmari Helander made Rare Exports, a movie that enough of my friends have bugged me to watch that I feel obligated to sign off on this ridiculous premise sight unseen. But seeing as how it actually looks like a lot of fun, I will push down all the bitterness I feel that no one ever picked me to star in a major action movie when I was 13 and keep an open mind.
Also, now that we as a nation have a long and storied legacy of black Presidents in movies, I don’t think it’s racist for me to say that I just don’t buy Samuel L. Jackson as Commander In Chief…
OTHER MOVIES OPENING ABOUT WHICH I HAVE NOTHING WITTY TO SAY:
The Little Death- Australian import comedy about relationships and kinky sex. Starring Desmond Harrnington (Dewey Crowd forever and ever!!!)
Batkid Begins- Documentary about that time the Make-A-Wish Foundation callously revealed Batman’s secret identity to be some terminally ill child.
We’re halfway home, people! Tune in next time to see what wonders/catastrophes July and August have in store!
