Get the flour ready!
Just before the announcement of last week’s Emmy nominations, Deadline posted an article stating how Oscar-winner Catherine Zeta-Jones was a sure bet to be nominated for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Made-for-TV-Movie for her portrayal of Griselda Blanco in Cocaine Godmother; the true story of the first female drug kingpin who ran the Miami coke scene in the mid-late 70s. The telefilm had been a passion project of the actress for some time who had spent years trying to get it off the ground. After the studios turned her down, Lifetime said yes and, in keeping with the quality level of their recent output of projects over the last few years, Cocaine Godmother ended up being a train wreck of a movie with no sense of transition, knowledge of screenplay, grasp of pacing or anything resembling finesse. What they have given audiences however is a new blood-soaked camp classic to howl at for years to come.
Cocaine Godmother tries to chronicle the life of this admittedly intriguing, if diabolical, woman from her troubled upbringing to the building of an empire. Yet the movie can’t help but revel in its campy nature. Those costumes, that wig, the overly dramatic moments; all of them inspire nothing uncontrollable laughter. One of Griselda’s claims to fame was the idea of having women smuggle cocaine in their underwear. The movie goes more for send-up than recreation with this point by having Griselda pitching her idea to an established kingpin by flaunting her noticeably bigger bust and cooing: “Looks good, no?” A sex scene between the two ensues which sees both covered in flour followed by a shot of Griselda in boot camp form showing attractive underwear-clad girls how to smuggle. Inevitably, Cocaine Godmother goes into Mommie Dearest overload in a scene where Griselda is praising and doting one child over his report card while threatening to choke another of her offspring to the point of unconsciousness. Things only get more outlandish from there. The camp centerpiece of the film is Griselda’s wedding which comes complete with bad salsa music, ridiculously big hair and a salacious dance, culminating in a lesbian love scene with wedding presents in the background and Griselda whispering: “This is the wedding gift I really wanted.” Speaking of dialogue, Cocaine Godmother’s script cannot help but be as gloriously tacky as its trappings. “Everything I touch turns to s**t,” says a boozy Griselda while sauntering around in a nightgown with a drink in hand. “Calling us spics,” she exclaims when her son’s girlfriend’s father forbids the couple to date. “We are Colombians for God’s sake!”
What makes Cocaine Godmother even more of a blast, it the way it mixes camp and violence in the most entertaining ways possible. Lines such as when a lowlife scowls at Griselda: “You crazy bitch,” are campy in their own right, but when the harshness of Griselda’s business practices are thrown in, the results provide some of the most off-the-wall entertainment possible. My personal favorite of these scenes is the one which sees Griselda shoot her husband and his girlfriend (whom she catches mid-act in a men’s room stall) multiple times ruthlessly before noticing their blood on her, causing her to state: “Ay, this was my favorite blouse.” It seems the makers of Cocaine Godmother made a choice early on to have their violence played purely for shock and decided against delving into the twisted psychology of the central character, who was far more sinister than this movie could ever comprehend. Real-life snippets of the Miami drug scene during the era are used to give a sense of the world Griselda helped create. While they do give an accidental hint of authenticity, the gaudy violence can’t help but prevail. As the movie begins to wrap up, you can’t imagine anyone watching not fall over with laughter at the outrageous silliness that those involved must have at one time legitimately considered Tarantino-esque. The prolonged scene in which Griselda’s thugs try and collect a debt from a suburban couple is unforgettable. “You can’t cut my head off! Can’t you just shoot me,” pleads the pathetic yuppie. “No I can’t shoot you, that’d make too much noise,” one thug says. “I got a silencer in the car,” says the other thug. “Yes, use that,” exclaims the yuppie.
If there’s one person who deserves to be let off the hook when it comes to the way Cocaine Godmother plays out, it’s Zeta-Jones. The actress has spent a large portion of her career saddled with playing well-to-do ladies, vixens and women who, for the most part, never had to struggle because they never wanted for anything. It’s easy to imagine the actress’s desperation to play a character that was the complete antithesis of those screen figures typically associated with her. Clearly she’s loving every single moment of it. The actress dives into that accent like no one’s business and even though some scenes eventually end up becoming more about the actress and less about the woman she’s playing, you can hardly blame her. Apart from one crying scene (complete with drool) in which she goes from “so bad she’s good” to just plain bad again, Zeta-Jones manages to credibly make the transformation. It’s the kind of gutsy move that one wouldn’t expect a glamorous actress like her to make. Yet she does; and with complete reckless abandon.
For all her tenacity in making the movie happen and in spite of the preparation she did for the role, Zeta-Jones failed to get an Emmy nomination. What she did get however, is a new camp classic that will forever be attached to her name which mixes the spirit of Mommie Dearest with the aspirations of Natural Born Killers for a “see it to believe it…and then see it again with friends and booze” experience. A couple of months ago, Tribeca held a special screening of Scarface in honor of the iconic film’s anniversary which featured the cast and director in attendance for a panel discussion afterwards. When the moderator asked cast member Michelle Pfeiffer if she thought a female version of the film could ever be made, her male colleagues pre-empted her answer by replying in unison: “No.” Cocaine Godmother will hardly shut them up, but the statement it makes through the dark gaudiness should. For if there’s one element which is able to rise above this horribly made, but utterly enjoyable film, it’s Griselda herself and the power she irrefutable power she managed to exude.
Cocaine Godmother is now available on DVD from Lifetime Home Entertainment.
