I’ll go out of my way for Donnie Yen. As a matter of fact, Donnie Yen’s planned presence in xXx: The Return Of Xander Cage was enough for me to watch the first two films for the first time this summer. So now I’ve seen all 3 xXx films within the past 6 months for the very first time. And let me tell you… Donnie Yen was worth the field research.
xXx and xXx: State Of The Union are objectively terrible movies. So convinced of their extreme-ness and so juiced up on Mountain Dew Code Red, they try too hard and die by their own lack of self awareness. A 2017 re-entry to this franchise seemed ill-advised from the start. The era of “extreme” sports peaked long ago, Diesel’s return to a franchise he’d already been killed out of feels desperate, the similarly-themed Point Break remake was a failure on every conceivable level, and… as I may have mentioned… the first two movies are painfully bad. Having watched them for the first time in 2016 made them even worse. Dated relics at only 15 and 12 years old, respectively.
Then xXx: Return Of Xander Cage comes along, learns every possible lesson it could from the Fast/Furious franchise, and makes it a point to laugh at the sun tattoo around Vin Diesel’s nipple that seemed like such an extreme idea in 2002. xXx 3 is not an intelligent movie. It’s not even necessarily a good movie. But it IS a good time at the movies… a rare treat that most every Summer blockbuster forgot to offer us this this year.
Much like the Fast films, all logic, reason, and physics are thrown out the window here, and the movie’s all the better for it. Also torn from the pages of that storied franchise is the breezy introduction of an internationally cast “fambly” of extreme agents either teaming up or fighting over (and at one point foot-racing after) a black box McGuffin device that can cause satellites to drop out of orbit on a target, making every satellite in the sky a deadly assassination tool. The movie isn’t filled to the brim with characters, per se, but certainly a whole lot of personalities and easily identifiable character traits are thrown our way, and it’s to the movie’s credit that it doesn’t spend a lot of time attempting to add dimensionality to anyone. Yen plays a guy who wants the McGuffin who is as extreme as Xander on every level. He’s got a crew that includes Tony Jaa (blonde hair, wild and crazy), Deepika Padukone (a beautiful Indian actress who’s tough and has agency), and some others. Xander’s recruits include Orange Is The New Black’s Ruby Rose (sniper rifle, colored hair), and Game Of Thrones’ Rory McCann (stunt man, wears mouth guard when crashing cars). Stepping into Samuel L. Jackson’s shoes (although Samuel L. Jackson is also kind of still wearing those shoes) is Toni Collette, who is vamping it up so hard in this movie you’re almost concerned she’s TOO aware of what is going on here.
These one dimensional beings run, jump, skate, surf (on motorcycles), save the world, look dope while they’re doing it, and it all breezes by in well under two hours leaving a smile on your face that you realize you’ve had all along. The script from F. Scott Frazier is actually somewhat impressive, moving at a thousand miles per hour with about a 25% successful joke rate, and always maintaining a distrust of authority which is key to the whole endeavor. The tone is just dead on, and that’s the enormous saving grace of this film over the previous two. The only place where legitimate quality in a movie like this is demanded by audiences is with the action set pieces… yet another area where the previous two films underwhelmed and disappointed. D.J. Caruso takes the helm here, and pulls off a feat many before him have not: He captures martial arts action in such a way that allows audiences to soak it all in, and also conveys kinetic hyper-energy in other sequences through thousands of quick cuts. Watching Donnie Yen do his thing is the biggest selling point of this entire film, and Caruso utilizes his greatest asset well.
So let’s talk about that action. Both the Fast films and the xXx films began their lives as franchises that thought they were awesome, and presented ridiculous things to audiences whilst elbowing their ribs and asking “isn’t this awesome?” Both franchises have matured into a full self awareness that they’re completely unhinged and utterly ridiculous. By eschewing your need for approval, they’ve shed any shackles that bound them. Vin Diesel and Donnie Yen chase each other on motorcycles that inexplicably drive over water because they have some ski things on them. It’s fantastic. Yen and Diesel have a foot race/fight sequence on a crowded highway reminiscent of Yen’s own Kung Fu Killer. The speeding cars are like play things to these guys, and it’s glorious. At one point Xander Cage roundhouse kicks a guy in the face… with his motorcycle. Donnie Yen is set loose with a couple of really thrilling fight sequences (most notably in his character’s introduction) that further display his excellence to the North American audiences who fell in love with him in the latest Star Wars film. The action here is breezy and wonderful and tonally consistent throughout.
And perhaps no one is more in on the joke than Vin Diesel himself (both star and producer). From poking fun at his characters nipple tattoo, to doubling down on the simply hideous wardrobe of Xander Cage, Diesel wears the same smile on his face that I had throughout the movie, simultaneously incredulous that we’re back here in this franchise, but also daring you to find a single moment of this movie that takes itself seriously enough to be upset about it.
I’m Ed Travis, and I support the Return Of Xander Cage. The state of this union is strong.
And I’m Out.