Welcome back, movie lovers! (See Part 1 here.)
When last we left our intrepid hero, he was staring down the barrel of a Michael Bay Transformers sequel that threatened to destroy him and everything he ever loved! He survived, but barely. Now, there’s only, like, 20–30 chances to rebuild cinema from the ashes!
Will the films of July and August be enough to save us all?
Let’s find out!
JULY 2
DELIVER US FROM EVIL
The Skinny: One’s a cop! One’s a priest! Together, they do exorcisms! Inspired by true events, naturally.
My Take: Memo to Jerry Bruckheimer… what happened to you, man? You used to be awesome! But ever since Don Simpson died (well, ever since Con Air, which you reportedly wanted nothing to do with but were forced to finish after Simpson croaked), you’ve slowly been turning into a mentally deficient Robert Evans. I don’t want to see you producing cheesy-looking horror movies, even if they have an intriguing cast (Eric Bana, Edgar Ramirez, Joel McHale, Olivia Munn)! I want to see you get back to doing what you do best: blowing shit up and protecting Nicolas Cage from himself…
TAMMY
The Skinny: White hot superstar Melissa McCarthy stars and co-writes this comic road trip tale with her husband Ben Falcone, who also directs. Susan Sarandon co-stars as McCarthy’s presumably foul-mouthed grandma.
My Take: The Heat was one of my favorites from last summer, and a lot of that was due to McCarthy’s seemingly inexhaustible comic energy. This is her first time writing for herself (though I imagine pretty much everything she says in her movies is ad-libbed anyway), and I’m more than a little curious to see what she’s come up with.
JULY 11
DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES
The Skinny: The sequel to the prequel to the classic science fiction series (back in those days when a bunch of films was a ‘series’ and not a ‘franchise’). Matt Reeves, who wrote Under Siege 2 and probably did some other stuff I find inherently less interesting, takes over for original director Rupert Wyatt.
My Take: Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes was awesome, which I think it’s safe to say none of us saw coming. But now that the element of surprise is gone, can the sequel clear the high bar it’s already set for itself by not being terrible? Casting names like Judy Greer, Jason Clarke and Gary Oldman seem to point towards yes, but I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
BOYHOOD
The Skinny: Richard Linklater’s latest, already feted at all the big festivals, finally arrives in theaters for the common man. Filmed over the course of twelve years, this follows the evolution of a young man from age 5 to 18. And yes, in case you were worried, Ethan Hawke is in it.
My Take: There has been nothing but positive word about this one from those who have already seen it, which is the kind of hype that can overwhelm what I assume will be a small, intimate tale. But no matter what, it’s almost certainly going to be worth seeing. This is the kind of ambition that deserves to be rewarded.
JULY 18
I ORIGINS
The Skinny: In writer-director Mike Cahills follow-up to Another Earth, Michael Pitt plays a molecular biologist whose romance with a model may lead to a scientific discovery that will change everything… Brit Marling and Michael Pitt star.
My Take: If you’re watching the trailer below, I should warn you beforehand that it appears to contain a couple of pretty big spoilers. I should also warn you that it looks RIDICULOUSLY ill-conceived. Hey, I actually liked Another Earth (though the ending fell flat for me) and there is a germ of an interesting idea here, but from the title on down, this reads like a pretentious misfire.
JUPITER ASCENDING
The Skinny (As quoted, directly from imdb):
“In the future, a young destitute human woman gets targeted for assassination by the Queen of the Universe, and begins her destiny to finish the Queen’s reign.”
Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis star. Written and directed by the Wachowskis.
My Take: Well, the description sounds insane, and I haven’t seen any trailers yet (one is attached below; I’m avoiding it until I can see it on the big screen). But none of that matters, really. After the pure sugar rush awesomeness of Speed Racer and the flawed but ambitious and heartfelt epic Cloud Atlas, I will follow the Wachowskis anywhere, without question.
PLANES: FIRE AND RESCUE
The Skinny: In this sequel to a movie I can still just barely believe actually exists, the talking plane played by Dane Cook must go on a heroes journey when he can no longer race and decides to become an aerial firefighter.
My Take: The fact that this animated sequel is coming out less than a year after the original means it was either in the works already (which shows a stunning show of faith in the merits of fixed-wing aircrafts that are also Dane Cook); or that it was rushed into production on the wings of the original’s success (and apparently it was a minor hit, because some parents are just THE WORST). Either way, one thing is for sure: these movies continue to be cast like a fever dream. Wes Studi? Erik Estrada? Ed Harris? Okay, guys. What the fuck ever…
THE PURGE: ANARCHY
The Skinny: A sequel to last year’s unexpected sleeper hit about an alternate version of reality where all crimes are legal for one night a year. James DeMonaco returns to write and direct and Frank Grillo (Captain America: The Winter Soldier) stars.
My Take: I still find this to be one of those conceits that isn’t as clever or satirical as it thinks it is, but it’s hard to argue with the success of the first one. In fact, the quick turnaround and what appears to be an expansion of the mythology makes me consider the possibility that this might be the rare type of down and dirty quickie sequel that actually improves on the original.
WISH I WAS HERE
The Skinny: Ten years after Garden State, Zach Braff returns to the directors’ chair for a movie that YOU probably helped pay for…
My Take: I get that people have a problem with Zach Braff, but he doesn’t bother me. And this movie, at the very least, looks visually impressive. At any rate, it’ll be interesting to see where he’s at ten years down the line. Has he learned to cut down on the ‘twee’-ness that turns so many people off? (Judging from the opening scene of the trailer, I’m guessing not so much)
Also, is Braff IN the Shins? Seriously, what is the deal there?
JULY 25
HERCULES
The Skinny: The Rock probably got extra big to portray the legendary demigod in this second of two Hercules-themed movies in 2014. This one wins the respected actor sweepstakes by having such luminaries as John Hurt, Ian McShane and Peter Mullan. As for who directs… well, there’s no easy way to say this: it’s Brett Ratner.
My Take: I’d imagine Ratner has kept a low enough profile over the past couple of years that he no longer engenders the sort of hate he used to. And I can’t think of a single movie The Rock has been bad in, even though I’ve actively hated some of them. The big problem here is that it doesn’t seem like this particular vehicle will give him much of an opportunity to use his greatest weapon, his unexpectedly deft and self-effacing sense of humor. But then again, it’s hard for me to be objective when a lion might get punched in the face. I mean, I’m NOT made of stone, people!
MAGIC IN THE MOONLIGHT
The Skinny: Woody Allen’s latest. Playing the neurotics this time are Emma Stone, Colin Firth, Hamish Linklater, and Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows alum Erica Leershen.
My Take: I doubt there’s anything of value I can say here. Some Woody Allen projects are better than others, and this is going to one of those, or one of the other ones.
There isn’t a trailer for this one yet, so here’s a clip from one of his earlier, funnier films:
SEX TAPE
The Skinny: Smug marrieds Jason Segal and Cameron Diaz try to spark their waning sex life by making a sex tape, and hilarity ensues, especially if you think the very idea of ‘The Cloud’ is the height of comedy.
My Take: Like Walk Of Shame, this really sounds like a sketch idea blown way out of proportion. And jokes about ‘The Cloud’ and SIRI aside, not a particularly timely sketch at that (What next, a Chatroulette romantic comedy?). The easy chemistry between Segal and Diaz was one of the best aspects of Bad Teacher, but this seems pretty dire.
STEP UP: ALL IN
The Skinny: In this, the fifth (FIFTH!) entry in the popular dance flick series, there is a contest in Vegas to determine the ultimate dance crew. Will there be dime stopping? You bet your ass there’ll be dime stopping…
My Take: Okay, so mea culpa: when I said that PG-13 movies set in Vegas were bullshit, I didn’t account for the possibility that there’d be popping and locking. I really and truly love the Step Up series, or at least I do as much as someone who’s never actually watched any of them before can. This appears to be a Fast Five style gathering of most of the previous cast members, which may be the incentive I need to get all caught up.
By the way, if you’re wondering what my breakdancing street name was, it was ‘DJ Glitter Kixxx’; and my ex-girlfriend/dance partner was ‘Li’l Tramp Scampi’.
AUGUST 1
GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY
The Skinny: Marvel Phase Two continues with this adaptation of the cult status space opera team book. Chris Platt leads a cast that has everyone from John C. Reilly and Benicio Del Toro to Karen Gillan and Bradley Cooper (as a talking raccoon).
Also, Vin Disel IS Groot!
My Take: I have no idea who watched Super and said “Let’s give this dude a hundred million dollars’, but they deserve the damn Nobel Peace Prize. I am crazy excited to see what James Gunn has come up with for this, arguably the riskiest Marvel movie so far.
GET ON UP
The Skinny: Chadwick Boseman, already having made a strong impression as Jackie Robinson in last years 42, tackles another icon: the hardest working man in show business himself, Mister James Brown!
My Take: I have a natural, inbuilt aversion to biopics, but God DAMN if that doesn’t look like fun! I’m not sure about the director (Tate Taylor, The Help), and I’m concerned that they might sand off Brown’s rougher edges (Talented singer, no doubt; but kind of a horrible person, too), but based on the energy of that trailer alone, they’ve got my attention.
AUGUST 8
LUCY
The Skinny: Luc Besson makes his first American movie in… oh, I guess it’s only been a year. At any rate, this is a sci-fi thriller where Scarlett Johansson is roped into being a courier for an experimental drug that winds up giving her access to 100% of her brain. Morgan Freeman co-stars.
My Take: In recent years, Luc Besson has basically created a factory system that churns out a very specific type of mid-level, sleek and gritty international action thriller. But none of the disciples manning the assembly line have a fraction of the wit and style of Besson himself. So it’s heartening to see him get back in the blockbuster game. Combine that with the presence of Johansson (who I am looking at in a whole new way ever since Under The Skin, because how could you not?), and this promises to be an offbeat and fun experience.
Though I have to take points off for exhuming the whole “100% of your brain” thing. Next time, use 100% of your brain to come up with literally ANYTHING else…
INTO THE STORM
The Skinny: A found footage disaster movie about tornadoes. Starring the dickhead leader dwarf from The Hobbit and that redhead that everyone hated on The Walking Dead
My Take: Yeah, I don’t do found footage. NEXT!!!
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES
The Skinny: Genetically altered terrapins of a certain demographic are given Japanese weapons, which they use to fight a guy who dresses up like a cheese grater. Your favorite childhood heroes, re-imagined. Produced by Michael Bay.
My Take: I don’t even know, man… I don’t really see the need for a new version of this remarkably long-lived property, but as far as these things go, I’ve seen way worse. Which is not to say that I have faith in Michael Bay or anything blasphemous like that (certainly, the actual director of the film Jonathan Liebesman has a less-than-spotless track record), just that nothing in the preview was a dealbreaker for me. I even kind of liked the mask line at the end. But time will tell if I’ve just got my blinders on here…
AUGUST 13
LET’S BE COPS
The Skinny: TV buddies Jake Johnson and Damon Wayans Jr. team up on the big screen in this action comedy where they pose as fake cops and wind up in very real trouble…
My Take: Helmed by Luke Greenfield, who was also responsible for The Girl Next Door (slightly better than you remember) and The Animal (way fucking worse), I’m of two minds on this one. The trailer doesn’t seem particularly gut-busting. But on the other hand, having them on TV, I know that their style of comedy doesn’t really suit the rhythms of a movie trailer. Honestly, even if it’s just these guys riffing for 90 minutes straight, it’s still probably going to be pretty damn hilarious. But it might be hard to justify seeing it in a theater, especially since by this point in the summer, I’m bound to be pretty burned out.
AUGUST 15
THE EXPENDABLES 3
The Skinny: Harrison Ford replaces Bruce Willis and Mel Gibson, Wesley Snipes, Ronda Rousey and noted ass-kicker Kelsey Grammer join the party for this third go-round with the ghosts of action cinema past.
My Take: I don’t know why I keep falling for it. But even after getting burned twice, I’m still looking forward to this. Stallone is saying all the right things in the interviews I’ve read so far, and Patrick Hughes is a step up from Simon West (who, in turn was a step up from Stallone himself). But I’m trying to keep my expectations low. As long as large groups of bad people get killed in new and interesting ways and they tamp down on the horrifically corny in-jokes and references that weighed down the last one, I’ll be relatively happy.
THE GIVER
The Skinny: An adaptation of the summer reading list staple by Lois Lowry. Directed by Philip Noyce and starring Jeff Bridges, Katie Holmes, Meryl Streep, Alexander Skarsgard and Taylor Swift.
My Take: You know, I’m racking my brains trying to remember if I ever actually read this. I mean, I must have; we all did, right? But every time I try to remember anything about it, I just keep thinking of scenes from Theodore Taylor’s The Cay. In any case, I can see where the trailer might excite those that remember the book and already know the significance of the imagery, but to me it just looks like every other Young Adult adaptation out there.
AUGUST 22
SIN CITY: A DAME TO KILL FOR
The Skinny: A remarkable nine years after the fact, Robert Rodriguez returns to the world of Sin City, once again splitting co-directing duties with Sin City creator Frank Miller, inexplicably allowed behind the camera even after making The Spirit. Most of the surviving characters return, along with Bruce Willis and Mickey Rourke, whose characters actually died (spoiler alert for a nine year old movie).
My Take: It’s hard to keep up the anticipation for nearly a decade, especially when the first film hasn’t held up quite as well as one might hope in the first place. But I’ve always been a fan of the Sin City comics, and the lure of new stories set in that world (one of the stories is an adaptation of A Dame To Kill For, and the other two are originals by Miller himself) is enough to get me into the theater.
Adding Eva Green to the cast as Ava Lord doesn’t hurt, either…
AUGUST 29
THE LOFT
The Skinny: The murder of a young woman complicates the lives of several friends who share a loft they use to cheat on their spouses. Directed by the delightfully named Erik Van Looy.
My Take: This appears to be a case of the director remaking his own film (that, or he just happens to have made two movies with the same name, filmed six years apart). There’s very little information to be found about this one, but the cast is so intriguing, I had to give it a mention: Besides featuring not one, but TWO refugees from the Transformers franchise (Isabel Lucas and Rachael Taylor), the movie also stars James Mardsen, Karl Urban, Rhona Mitra, Eric Stonestreet, Margarita Leviva, and Wentworth Miller. So even though the concept doesn’t really do much for me, all those names under the same roof is interesting enough to me that I’m going to keep my eye on this one…
Again, there’s no trailer as of yet, so here is a video of behind the scenes stills, with some atrocious background music:
And what the hell! Just for fun, here’s an unsubtitled, kinda NSFW trailer for the orginal film. Try to guess which of these dudes Cam from Modern Family is going to play:
LIFE OF CRIME
The Skinny: In what could be considered a prequel to the late Elmore Leonard’s Rum Punch (which was famously adapted into Quentin Tarantino’s Jackie Brown), Ordell Robie (Samuel L. Jackson in Jackie Brown, played here by Yasiin Bey, a.k.a. Mos Def) and Louis Gara (Robert de Niro in Jackie Brown; played by John Hawkes here) meet in prison and once freed, team up for a kidnapping scheme that, because this is an Elmore Leonard joint, goes horribly awry. Also starring Jennifer Aniston, Tim Robbins, and Isla Fisher.
My Take: As all avid fans of Elmore Leonard know, these adaptations are a crapshoot: sometimes you get Out of Sight or Get Shorty, and sometimes you get The Big Bounce, or that other version of The Big Bounce. Credit where credit is due, Mos Def and John Hawkes is inspired casting. And I like to think Jennifer Aniston is better than critics or her agent gives her credit for (I think that about Aniston; I KNOW for a fact that it’s true of Isla Fisher). But without a trailer or even a poster to gauge the tone, I’ll have to remain cautiously optimistic until further notice.
No trailer, so I hope you like press conferences!
Well, that’s the summer in a nutshell. Having done my duty, I turn things over to you fine folks! What are y’all looking forward to? Which flicks are you dreading? Let us know in the comments!
*Only summer movie guide you’ll ever need” designation may not apply to years exceeding 2014. Check local theaters for details…
