Sony has kitted out Peter Parker and New York City with a full suite of their latest products, and they’ve built a whole superhero movie to showcase them to you! We’re talking cell phones, cameras, Vaio laptops, aged/top secret desktops, and even a giant, flaming Blu-ray billboard!
Look, it is clear that The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was not made for me. I know this because I am not a ten year old. Let me be clear that I’m not saying that only ten year olds can enjoy this film. I always hope other people can enjoy movies that I strongly dislike. But I am firmly arguing that the film is aimed squarely at that age range, and all the merchandising tie-ins that will go with it. I try to remain an optimistic, “see the best in everyone” kind of guy. But The Amazing Spider-Man 2 has made a cynic out of even me. Where many lost faith in this entire new cycle of Spider-films early on in the first Amazing Spider-man’s life… I actually found myself casually enjoying it and then promptly forgetting all about it. Marc Webb seems to be someone who is willing to do what the studios are demanding, and more power to him, I guess. But even if his first ASM was largely forgettable and had a wholly generic villain, there was still a beating heart there. Andrew Garfield (Peter Parker/Spider-man) and Emma Stone (Gwen Stacy) had a remarkable chemistry and inhabited their roles more comfortably than Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst did in the first series. Where a lot of that film’s attempts at melodrama failed, there seemed to be some real emotion at the core of it all. Denis Leary’s Captain Stacy (Gwen’s dad and the chief of Police) had an interesting role to play, with some actual things to do in the film. The wonderful Sally Field had a chance to make an impression as Aunt May, even if the (also wonderful) Martin Sheen was somewhat hobbled by having to do essentially the exact same thing that Cliff Robertson had done in the previous series.
I’m not here to review The Amazing Spider-man, but I bring all of these things up because they are all very much lacking in ASM 2. Where once Andrew Garfield threatened to be the superior embodiment of Peter Parker, he’s now been saddled with such a terrible script from Roberto Orci and Robert Kurtzman (and Jeff Pinkner, among other credited on IMDb) that he can’t possibly escape out from under it. The same goes for Emma Stone. Their chemistry is still palpable, but their characters have nothing to DO with it. There is a whole bunch of stuff happening, yes, but it all just feels like events packed into a screenplay rather than organic, actual, life events.
And that beating heart from the first film? The one that never even approached the genuine nature of Raimi’s films, but that veered right into cheesy territory with Spidey swinging across crane arms lined up by his blue collar supporters? I could only find that heartbeat here in fleeting moments of what could have been. There’s a beat with a small boy in a Spider-man costume standing up to a villain. It is a powerful moment and Garfield’s Spidey handles it with grace. But that comes way too late to register. And when Spidey actually swings around town in ASM 2? I really was transported to another place. The visual effects in these sequences are magical. Spidey’s costume ripples, you can feel the wind and the speed and the weight and the stomach-dropping height of it all. The film opens with a web-slinging sequence that is glorious. And then absolutely nothing in the rest of the story ever even approaches that level of joy. And don’t even get me started on The Ghost Of Captain Stacy. This script’s attempt at giving Peter a conscience is to have Denis Leary appear occasionally and leer disapprovingly at Peter. The device made me laugh harder each time the filmmakers employed it, and looked kind of like those creepy NFL profile images that kind of look like still images until you see them blink or smile. Captain Stacy approves of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 about as much as I do, it seems.
What is missing from the screenplay that could have potentially redeemed this, maybe the most disappointing mainstream comic book film I’ve seen this decade? The conflict at the heart of the film is its death knell. I know many worried that too many villains would be the biggest problem of the film. And the multitude of villains certainly doesn’t do it any favors. But the real problem is the toothless conflicts throughout the film, both super-sized and inter-personal. These villains are paper thin even for a comic book film. I know we are talking about a series in which a teenager is bit by a DNA-encoded spider and becomes a super hero… but the origins of both Electro (Jamie Foxx) and The Green Goblin (Dane Dehaan) are totally without any emotional weight. And their plots and schemes are equally vapid. Electro’s origin threatens to have an iota of Frankenstein-like tragedy to it, when Foxx’s Max Dillon begins as an innocent and misunderstood man with new powers he doesn’t understand. But his motivations for hating Spider-man are flimsy at best. And the handling of the character is embarrassing. Foxx goes way over the top as a pre-pubescent nerd in an adult’s body, and once he masters his power, he can turn into pure energy… but somehow a magic pair of rubberized boxer shorts always seem to materialize around his sensitive areas whenever he decides to become corporeal once more. Oh, and when he goes fully physical, he even ends up with a black costume that has lightning bolts on the arms. Awful. Dane Dehaan’s every scene just feels like something that was necessary to move the plot forward, but never once feels human. There are a couple scenes where his Harry Osborne and Peter Parker “re-connect” as old friends. But these forced moments struggle to add pathos even though we KNOW these two will be mortal enemies soon. I feel like Raimi’s films developed this “frenemy” (I’m sorry I used that word) aspect over three entire movies, where Orci/Kurtzman attempt it in one shoddy scene.
And all the emotional beats between Aunt May and Peter, as well as Gwen and Peter, all feel painfully “movie”, and patently inauthentic. Yes, I’m interested in Aunt May having to work two jobs to support her and Peter, and yes, Sally Field sells that one scene with everything she’s got. But it is just one scene. An afterthought. Another wispy layer that is buried by bloated action set pieces with such little emotional resonance that I’m struggling to remember them three days later.
The opening, web-slinging set piece is a bit of a James Bond-esque, only tangentially related busting of a heist perpetrated by Paul Giamatti as The Rhino in what is the single worst performance I’ve ever seen from Giamatti. There’s the web slinging, and the dexterous poses, and the depositing of webbed-up criminals at the feet of policemen. It feels like Spider-man, and it feels like a comic book. But I was immediately feeling like I was well past the target age range. Then there’s the first sequence involving the electrified Jamie Foxx, which has some potential for pathos, but gets really dumb, really fast as the psychological motivations of his character are laughably shallow.
The mega-climax which first involves Spidey fighting Electro in a power plant, and then bounces over to the Green Goblin showdown, is at least something that includes Gwen Stacy as an integral part of the battle. Gwen does things and is heroic, rather than just being a damsel in distress… until she is. But this final showdown (which, by the way, isn’t REALLY the final showdown as the film’s ill-advised final act and/or set piece makes sure to tie up EVERY single possible loose end and set up the groundwork for the future sequels) is eye-rolling. The Green Goblin character design (not to mention character arc) is hideous in the wrong way. And while OsCorp is being established in this Spidey-verse as the central agency of villainy, I feel almost no threat or depth coming from that place. I’m more frightened of Amazon than I am of OsCorp.
With uneven performances (most of the “good guys” are good, and most of the “bad guys” are bad), a muddled and overstuffed script in which precious little of consequence seems to ever happen, and an overall sheen of marketing glitz that feels wholly engineered to sell merchandise, The Amazing Spider-man 2’s bright colors and occasionally thrilling moments of web-slingery cannot overcome the disastrous trappings of this product.
And I’m Out.
PS: Please buy this… I dare you: