GAME OF THRONES Recap: Tyrion is the Man

This is a recap of what happened on Game of Thrones, Season 4, Episode 6 (The Laws of Gods and Men). So, you know, there are MANY spoilers. DUH.

Well, Thronians (yes, I’ve invented my own nickname for you all), it’s episode six and Things are Happening! If you, like me, have been suffering from a lack of Tyrion in your diet, you got a vitamin shot to the butt tonight. And that’s not even a double entendre! I’m just so giddy from the end of tonight’s episode. But alas, it’s my duty to recap the entire episode for you, so I’ll do my best to refrain from writing 1200 words just about Tyrion’s awesomeness.

Braavos: We open with Davos and Stannis sailing into Braavos, that city across the sea that’s home to the infamous Iron Bank. Entry to Braavos from the sea is through the legs of the Titan of Braavos, one of the wonders of the world. They’re there to ask for money from Mycroft Tycho Nestoris, who is creepily turned on by talking about numbers, but unsympathetic to Stannis’ cause. But faithful Davos makes an impassioned plea and obviously gets the loan, which of course is a good excuse to cut to…boobs! Our old friend and pirate Salladhor Saan is living it up in a public bath house, recounting a pirate joke that these ladies have heard a thousand times but are still happy to laugh at, especially now that Salla is making bank from being hired by Davos. Can Stannis be a real threat now that he’s backed by the Iron Bank? Stay tuned.

“I want my two dollars!”

Dreadfort: You know Ramsay Snow likes it rough, but just in case you’re unsure, here’s a scene proving it (and a few more boobs for good measure). But while Ramsay is occupied, Yara has apparently sailed around the southern tip of the entire continent of Westeros, or else gone across land (from Moat Cailin?) and then gotten back on the water in the east (look up a map if you’re curious), and is raiding the castle. This is a departure from the books — as in “this never happens” — so you know she’s not actually going to rescue him. We learn that poor Reek is so brainwashed he can’t even accept rescue when offered it, which is I presume the only point of this scene (other than to allow Gemma Whelan to FINALLY start showing some of the badass spirit that book Yara (Asha) has). Things get back on book-track when Ramsay “rewards” Reek with a bath and sets him an assignment of “pretending” to be Theon Greyjoy to help the Boltons take back Moat Cailin from the ironborn, something you may (or may not) recall Roose asking Ramsay to do some time ago.

Meereen: We travel back to Essos to chill with some perfectly nice goat herders doing their thing out in the fields when HOLY SHIT THAT’S A DRAGON!! Black Drogon is big and he’s hungry, setting himself up a little barbecued goat for dinner. The poor goatherd comes as a supplicant to Daenerys, now Queen and holding court in a nifty pyramid, and more than happy to pay the pleasantly surprised goatherd triple the value of his lost goats. This whole Queen thing is pretty easy! Bring in the next person…who wants to request a proper burial for his father whom Dany summarily crucified, not bothering to find out that he had spoken out against the murder of the slave children but had been overruled. Oops, my bad! Though verbally defensive of her justice, Dany is obviously moved and grants his request. This is our introduction to Hizdahr zo Loraq, a Meereenese noble. Without giving too much away for non-readers, I can tell you two things: the way they’ve introduced Hizdahr does NOT jive with his personality (or their real first meeting) in the book, and you’re going to be seeing a lot more of him. But all this pales in comparison to the hijinks going on in…

Look at my pyramid!

King’s Landing: The new small council (the king’s advisors) has convened, consisting of Tywin, Cersei, Grand Maester Pycelle, Mace Tyrell, Oberyn Martell, and Varys. It’s only taken 3+ seasons, but these scions of the Seven Kingdoms have finally decided that oh, that girl with three dragons, an army of 8,000 Unsullied, the loyalty of the Second Sons mercenaries, the advice of two battle-proven knights, and a banner many disaffected nobles might flock to might just possibly be a threat to King Tommen. Something will have to be done — something involving a quill, ink and Varys’ little birds. To be continued.

And now, ladies and gents, the real fun begins. Jaime arrives in the dungeon to escort Tyrion to the show trial of the century. Unfortunately for Tyrion, everything he’s ever done that we love is coming back to haunt him now. The times he slapped Joffrey and called him names, when he stopped Ser Meryn from beating Sansa on Joff’s command, when he imprisoned Pycelle, when he threatened Cersei — as awesome as they are, they’re all pretty damning when you’re on trial for murder. It’s obvious to everyone he’s going to be found guilty, but he has one defender — none other than Jaime (who, you might recall, is Joffrey’s real father). Jaime makes a deal with Tywin — if he’ll let Tyrion live and serve in the Night’s Watch, Jamie will quit the Kingsguard and go home to Casterly Rock to be the heir and make (legitimate) babies. Tywin agrees, and his smirk makes you wonder if he didn’t have something in mind like this all along (though in case you’re wondering, Jaime does not make this offer in the book). When the trial recommences, Jaime lets Tyrion know the score — he’ll be found guilty but allowed to live and join the Watch, if only he keeps his damn mouth shut until it’s over. Of course, we all know how good Tyrion is at holding his tongue, but nonetheless we hope he’ll hold out and make it and won’t it be fun to see Tyrion serving with Jon Snow? Call the next witness…oh shit, it’s Shae. Didn’t I warn you not to be so sure she got on that boat out of King’s Landing?? (I did, because despite my best efforts I can’t help leading you on with semi-spoilers from time to time. Like Tyrion, I just don’t have it in me to shut the hell up (see Hizdahr, above).) Not only is it Shae, but it’s Shae whom someone has convinced to tell a pack of foul lies about everything, but most importantly about the fact that Sansa and Tyrion definitely plotted together to murder the king. Tyrion wouldn’t be Tyrion if he sat back and took betrayal and bullshit without a word, and here Peter Dinklage rises to the occasion magnificently. Tyrion’s rage is a sight to behold, and his demand for trial by combat is by far the best moment of season four to date (and no, I didn’t forget Joffrey’s death). Someone give this man an Emmy! Oh wait, they already did… But seriously, I can’t wait for the things I know are coming next. I should probably sign off before I burst and spew spoilers everywhere, but I can’t help leaving you with some leading questions before I go:

1. Who is influencing Shae, and why is she lying?
 2. What about Varys? Between the weird scene where Oberyn outs him as being from Essos, not Westeros (something I think we covered in an earlier season) and Varys’ admission to Tyrion that “sadly, my lord, I never forget a thing,” what’s Varys’ endgame? He’s said in the past that his only goal is to serve the realm — so what does he think that means?

Boob Count: 10 (I think — I might have double counted (no pun intended) some as the camera angles switched during scenes)

Death Toll: I couldn’t possibly be bothered to rewind and try to count how many soldiers died in the Dreadfort dungeon battle. Several. Also one goat.

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