Well, here we are again, another summer barreling towards us like a freight train that charges ten dollars for a box of Junior Mints! And once again, I have bravely and selflessly volunteered to throw myself in front of said metaphorical train, watching trailers and making snarky snap judgments based solely on my own particular and very specific preferences, and generally getting crushed under the weight of the merciless Hollywood marketing machine, which as we’ve already established, is some kind of train. All this I do for you, my loyal, easily influenced readers.
You’re welcome, gang! (Once finished with this stunning piece of writing and trailers, you can find Part 2 here).
MAY 2
THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2
The Skinny: In this sequel to the hit 2012 comic book reboot, Peter Parker (Andrew Garfield) balances his relationship with Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone) with his responsibilities as a superhero and his quest to find out the truth about his parents. Filling in the villain slots are Jamie Foxx as Electro, Paul Giamatti as The Rhino, and Dane DeHaan as Peter’s old pal Harry Osborn, which only counts as a spoiler if you haven’t been paying attention…
My Take: There’s something endearingly weird and desperate about Fox deciding to turn Spider-Man into some sort of one man Avengers franchise, and this movie definitely runs the risk of being the Iron Man 2 of their plan: a pretty great cast stranded in a promotional piece instead of an actual film. Combined with the fact that the original reboot (and yes, having to use that phrase makes me die inside, thank you for asking) was pretty crappy in the first place, and I remain cautiously optimistic that this will only be the second worst blockbuster this summer…
WALK OF SHAME
The Skinny: Elizabeth Banks has the opportunity to land her dream job, if she can only make it across town in 8 hours. There are, of course, two problems with this plan: one, the town is L.A.; and two, due to a mishap during a one-night stand, she has no phone, no car, no I.D., and no money. Will she make it in time, or will she lose the job but learn an important lesson about self-respect and the virtues of abstinence?
My Take: This is the sort of premise that seems perfect for a Collegehumor.com sketch, but might very well get stretched to the limit as an actual movie. On the other hand, any movie boasting not only the ever-underutilized Elizabeth Banks but Gillian Jacobs AND James Marsden is probably going to worth a look.
MAY 9
NEIGHBORS
The Skinny: Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne star as new parents who gradually find themselves at war with the fraternity that has just moved in next door. Also starring Zac Efron’s perfectly sculpted abs; and Dave Franco’s teeth.
My Take: Seth Rogen has a ridiculously hit-or-miss track record with his movies, and even his hits tend to be too long for their own good. Neighbors is a little over an hour and a half, which gives me hope that there’s more focus and less faffing around than usual. Also, Zac Efron makes me genetically furious, which I’m sure to hold against the movie even if it is good.
LEGENDS OF OZ
The Skinny: An animated sequel to the 1939 classic. Replacing Judy Garland is the purportedly more lively Lea Michele. Also starring Kelsey Grammer, Oliver Platt, Megan Hilty, James Belushi, Patrick Stewart, and Hugh Dancy as ‘Marshal Mallow’, who probably doesn’t even have encephalitis in this movie. What a rip!
My Take: I’ve seen, like, one episode of Glee, so I’m not sure if my impression that Lea Michele is a terribly loud and annoying creature is entirely fair. Also, this poster has been everywhere for what seems like the past ten years, to the point where I assumed it had already come and gone. No such luck, apparently. This really does look like the kind of movie you buy out of the three dollar bin at Best Buy and put on just to shut your children up so you can have an hour to drink wine and sob quietly in your recently refurbished bathroom spa. Now, I could be wrong about that, but clearly I’m not.
In the end, all I know is this: when the most enjoyable aspect of the movie is looking at the cast list on imdb and guessing how many of them are doing it to pay their alimony bills, it’s time to cut your losses…
MOMS NIGHT OUT
The Skinny: A quartet of married moms get together to have a night out, and heartwarming hilarity ensues. Starring a ton of people I’ve never heard of and Trace Adkins, who I feel like I shouldn’t have heard of but somehow have.
My Take: Whenever this trailer plays, I’m shocked that it’s an actual movie coming to theaters. Everything about it says VOD. Obviously, it’s not my type of party at all, but I’m sure it will be harmless fun for a certain demographic of people that I have nothing in common with.
MAY 16
GODZILLA
The Skinny: Big lizard stomps on shit, bringing much joy into all of our lives. Also starring Ken Watanabe, Bryan Cranston, Aaron Taylor Johnson, the good Olson, and … Juliette Binoche? Seriously?
My Take: Well, I’m definitely excited. Director Gareth Edwards Monsters was an impressive feature debut, and the trailers definitely have the sense of scale and drama down. But, if I’m being honest, a lot of my love of classic Godzilla is based less on being a metaphor for the tragic and destructive power of the atom bomb and more on watching dudes in rubber monster suits pounding the hot garbage out of one another. This might be a bit more sober and serious-minded than I liked my horrific, citywide destruction to be. Also… we’re sure about the Juliette Binoche thing? I mean, that is a fascinating cast, but in my mind, people have always been the worst part of a Godzilla movie…
MILLION DOLLAR ARM
The Skinny: Inspired by a true story, this tells the tale of a sports agent (Jon Hamm) who endeavors to recruit Asian cricket players to play Major League Baseball.
My Take: Considering I can’t think of a single major baseball player that used to be an Asian cricket pro, I feel like this might be one of those stories that is inspirational more in theory than in reality. Still, the trailer is pleasant enough and I quite like Hamm and his co-star Lake Bell, or as I will call them from now on, “Hambell”.
Also, in an animated version of Mad Men where all the stars are animals, Pete Campbell would be ‘Pete Hambell’, and he’d be a chauvinistic pot bellied pig.
PALO ALTO
The Skinny: Another day, another Coppola picking up the family trade. This time it’s Gia, who wrote and directed this drama about the lives of troubled teens in a certain part of California, the name of which escapes me right now… Starring James Franco, Emma Roberts, Colleen Camp, Val Kilmer and Chris Messina.
My Take: Judging from the trailer, this is more “Woe is me, I’m young, hot, and lost” navel gazing. But with a Coppola behind the camera, it’s going to be exquisite looking at the very least. And if nothing else, it might be worth checking out for the legacy aspect: Christian Madsen (son of Michael) and Jack Kilmer (son of co-star Val) put in appearances here.
MAY 23
BLENDED
The Skinny: Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore reunite once again for this romantic romp where… you know what? If you actually have any interest in this, just go and see it, already. And kindly tell me what it’s like where you are, because we clearly exist in two different versions of reality…
My Take: *Wipes ass; hands used toilet paper to Adam Sandler, who immediately options it*
…And that, boys and girls, is how Hollywood works now!
X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST
The Skinny: Bryan Singer returns to the franchise that basically kickstarted modern day super hero movies to repair the damage done by literally everybody who tried to make an X-Men movie since. Combines the cast of the original trilogy with the First Class cast, so expect to see everyone from Patrick Stewart, Michael Fassbender, and Ian McKellan (YAY!); to Jennifer Lawrence and Anna Paquin (YAY!); to… Halle Barry (CAN’T WIN ’EM ALL!)
My Take: Speaking as someone who really enjoyed First Class (despite the scene where in less than a minute of screentime, the entire minority cast either dies or turn traitor), I think I’ve more or less reached my fill on X-Men movies. The trailers, while looking impressive and intriguing enough, just kind of make me preemptively exhausted, especially considering there’s already a sequel coming two years from now. Not that it matters; I’m pretty much destined to see it no matter what, so here’s hoping it actually does revitalize the franchise. And if it fails, Singer can rest assured that it’s not the worst thing to happen to him this year…
MAY 30
MALEFICENT
The Skinny: Angelina Jolie stars in this revisionist version of the classic fairy tale, which answers all the questions none of us ever had about the evil witch that cursed Sleeping Beauty. But is she truly evil, or is she just misunderstood?
My Take: I have no idea why I’m supposed to be excited for this. I mean, I liked the awesome, non-boring version of Angelina Jolie, but as I recall, she tragically died in a Rwandan minefield or something. Which leaves us with the hook of redeeming or demystifying a classic Disney villain, which is one of those pursuits that… yeah, you can do it, but why waste the gasoline?
A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST
The Skinny: Seth MacFarlane continues to mystify his critics by directing and starring in a big budget movie, a western comedy in the tradition of Blazing Saddles, but with 500% more racist jokes.
My Take: The thing about MacFarlane is that sometimes he makes me laugh, and I never feel good about it afterwards. And yeah, I admit the red band trailer actually had a few things that made me chuckle. Then again, I saw Ted, and was shocked that anybody thought it was somehow better and more emotionally grounded than Family Guy; to me it was the same jokes and pop culture references he’s always pushing. I don’t hold out hope that this will be any better, but I do respect the fact he chose to bet on the western genre after the public has repeatedly made it clear they’re not into that shit at all…
JUNE 6
EDGE OF TOMORROW
The Skinny: Based on the novel “All You Need Is Kill” by Hiroshi Sakurazaka, this sci-fi thriller posits a world where Tom Cruise is the only hope against an alien invasion. Also, there’s time loops and stuff. The film is directed by Doug Liman and also stars Bill Paxton and Emily Blunt.
My Take: First of all, let’s just take this moment to acknowledge that as titles go, All You Need Is Kill is roughly ten thousand times better than Edge of Tomorrow, which sounds like a soap opera starring Doug McClure and Tippy Walkers’ understudy. Having thusly established that as absolute fact, what about the movie itself? Well, I give Tom Cruise a hard time, on account of the fact he no longer plays anything but steely, intense action heroes that save the world and are just way better than you or me in general; and also because he’s clearly overcompensating for the fact he’s only slightly taller than a Hobbit. However, snark aside, the man has got it down to a science at this point, and the movies are never less than entertaining (but often not much more, either… there I go again). The combo of Cruise and Liman promises a fun ride, but probably little more than that.
THE FAULT IN OUR STARS
The Skinny: Based on the best-selling young adult novel by John Green, this romantic drama details the relationship between terminal cancer patient Hazel (Shailene Woodley) and a guy named Augustus, played by Ansel Elgort.
My Take: First, Ansel Elgort is not the name of an actual person. At best, it is an anagram for an actual persons’ real name. Second, as much as I’ve grown to love Shailene Woodley, this sounds like the sort of movie that just plain isn’t for me. But since I don’t actually know the source material, and it’s important to stay open minded, if anybody wants to tell me I’m wrong and sell me on this bad boy, feel free to do so in the comments section…
JUNE 13
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2
The Skinny: There are some dragons who need to be housebroken, or whatever. And the whole gang returns to… uh, make that happen, I guess.
My Take: Uh, yeah, so I haven’t actually seen the first one. But Dreamworks of late has been pretty good about making their sequels more than just a cheap cash-in, so I’d imagine that if you’re a fan of the first one, this won’t disappoint.
22 JUMP STREET
The Skinny: Jenko and Schmidt are back, and this time those two sons of bitches are going to college! Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, Ice Cube and directors Phil Lord and Christopher Miller return.
My Take: I think we were all surprised by the fact that the first movie was any good at all, let alone hilarious and awesome. Usually, I’d be wary of a sequel, especially a sequel to a comedy, and double especially when it’s an adaptation of a Fox Network show from the late ’80s. But… these guys made The Lego Movie. If they could make that work, then clearly they are gods and we should fear their holy might. And go see their sequel.
THE ROVER
The Skinny: Director David Michod follows up his cult classic Animal Kingdom with this thriller starring Guy Pearce and Robert Pattinson, which may be post Apocalyptic, or may just be set in Australia.
My Take: The preview looks a trifle dour for my tastes. And I can’t tell what the hell Robert Pattinson’s character is doing accent-wise. And it’s clearly going to be in the “beautiful kind of grungy” movie tradition. BUT it might serve as a refreshingly dark and intense alternative to the usual summer frivolity.
THE SIGNAL
The Skinny: Lawrence Fishburne lends his gravitas and presence to this mind bending (their words not mine) sci-fi indie involving a college student under quarantine for unknown reasons.
My Take: My suspicion is that this is one of those movies that is either going to be a huge disappointment or better than I thought, depending on how you view the trailer. For my part, I see a lot of intriguing and fantastical imagery, but I also see a lot of a certain type of handheld digital shooting that makes me concerned about the level of awesome sci-fi craziness versus the level of “Young white couple holding hands while framed from the neck down for no real reason while shoegaze drones in the background”…
JUNE 20
JERSEY BOYS
The Skinny: Clint Eastwood directs this adaptation of the hit Broadway jukebox musical, which traces the rise of the popular band The Four Seasons, presumably through the tested and true methods of song, dance, and montage.
My Take: Wait, I just reread what I wrote up there and it looks like I accidentally wrote that Clint Eastwood directed this. My mistake, it was actually… Clint Eastwood.
Huh.
You know, if you go down the list line by line, you’ll realize that Clint Eastwood has the weirdest damn filmography in all of Hollywood.
THINK LIKE A MAN, TOO
The Skinny: A sequel to the surprise hit comedy inspired by Steve Harvey’s successful ‘How-To’ guide. Original cast members Kevin Hart, Regina Hall, Megan Good, Michael Ealy, Romany Malco and fuckin’ “Turtle” from Entourage return for this Vegas-set follow-up.
My Take: So Steve Harvey freaks me out (mostly because he wears weird suits and his head is shaped exactly like a pumpkin), and PG-13 movies that take place in Vegas are almost always bullshit. But that is such an impressive cast that I’m almost tempted to support the movie so it will be successful and then maybe those guys will go on to star in movies I’d actually want to watch.
JUNE 27
TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION
The Skinny: Blah blah giant robots blah blah Michael Bay blah blah the death knell of cinema blah blah blah IMAX.
My Take: Remember when I said my guess was that Amazing Spider-Man 2 was probably only going to be the second worst blockbuster of the summer?
Meet the sureshot.
To be fair, Mark Wahlberg is a massive improvement over Shia LeBeouf, even after you take into account that Wahlberg is invariably the worst part of every action movie he’s ever starred in. But who are we kidding? Dinobots, or no Dinobots, this is going to be straight up terrible.
Join us for Part 2, in which I’ll break down The Skinny on the late Summer selections.
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