What a year of movies, right, everyone?
There were explosions and space debris, and Midwesterners, and lesbian sex, and, really, just a shitload of Ethan Hawke.
I’m not going to do anything like a top ten list or anything like that, because when you do, and your preliminary attempt has White House Down in it, you clearly haven’t seen enough movies this year.
Instead, here are 13 things I’m pretty sure I learned about movies in the past twelve months.
Let’s take a learning journey together, shall we?
- 1: NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING (AND IF POSSIBLE, EVEN LESS THAN THAT)
Almost without fail, every big tentpole movie last year either did better than anticipated, or opened to disappointing grosses, which makes me wonder who the hell is in charge of figuring these things out. If you can’t find a single example of a film that performed exactly the way you predicted it would, consider the possibility that this bullshit prognostication job is not for you…
- 2: I AM COMPLETELY CAPABLE OF ENJOYING A SUPERMAN MOVIE THAT DIRECTLY CONTRADICTS EVERYTHING I THINK IS GOOD AND NOBLE ABOUT SUPERMAN
It’s possible that we can blame this one on Hans Zimmer…
- 3: THE HANGOVER PART III WILL NOT BE MISUNDERSTOOD. INSTEAD, IT WILL MERELY BE FORGOTTEN
The smartest, most subversive comedy of 2013 came and went pretty quickly, and deserves to be looked at closer than most people were willing to. But because it’s not particularly funny or entertaining, it will instead never be spoken of again. Which is a shame, because I maintain that The Hangover III is the movie Harmony Korine meant to make when he accidentally made Spring Breakers…
Speaking of which…
- 4: SKRILLEX DOESN’T KNOW WHEN HE’S BEING MADE FUN OF
I think it’s cute that Skrillex thinks he’s in on the gag. But, much like the Joker, everything Harmony Korine says is either a trick or a lie. So when he tells Skrillex that his music is the perfect soundtrack for his particular vision, you can’t tell me that was supposed to be a compliment.
- 5: HOW NICOLAS WINDING REFN DIRECTS RYAN GOSLING:
1. “Look pretty.”
2. “Shut up.”
3. “I said, shut up.”
- 6: RESOLVED: KEANU REEVES IS THE NEW NICOLAS CAGE
Feel free to disagree with me, if you’re really into being wrong about things.
- 7: WE’VE GOT THIS BACKLASH SHIT DOWN TO A SCIENCE
Lone Ranger went from catastrophic bomb to cult classic before it even made it to Blu-Ray, which is a model of efficiency that’s hard to beat.
- 8: IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN SOMEONE ROMANTICALLY, DO NOT TELL THEM THAT YOU THINK STOKER IS THE SEXIEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR, BECAUSE THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY WATCH IT
And you will not hear from them again…
- 9: WHEN ROSARIO DAWSON COMMITS TO A PART, ROSARIO DAWSON COMMITS TO A PART
I don’t know if you saw Trance, but, um… you… you should probably see Trance.
- 10: IN THE FUTURE, PARADISE WILL BE A NEVER-ENDING TUPPERWARE PARTY
This is something I learned from Elysium, where all the rich people left the planet to go to a sweet utopia with anti-cancer tanning beds, and where everyone spends all day every day on their patio sipping mimosas and trading notes about their yoga instructors.
- 11: SMAUG IS EXACTLY LIKE UNCLE SCROOGE, IF UNCLE SCROOGE WAS A DRAGON
In this scenario, Hobbits are like, the Beagle Boys or something.
- 12: PLOT TWIST OF THE YEAR: IRON MAN 3
Shut up, nerds. I will fight you.
And finally…
- 13: THE PURGE: NOT A MOVIE, BUT A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT THE INEVITABLE END RESULT OF ‘STAND YOUR GROUND’ LAWS
Don’t worry; by the time I’m proven right, we’ll already be dead.
