So, the Toxic Avenger had a children’s cartoon show.
I’m going to repeat that, because it feels like you’re not hearing me. THE. TOXIC. AVENGER. HAD. A. CHILDRENS. CARTOON. SHOW.
The only possible explanation for your brain not exploding is that you don’t know who the Toxic Avenger is.
Assuming that’s the case, it’s this guy:
The original Toxic Avenger movie was brought to you by the fine folks at Troma Films, purveyors of vintage low budget trash, the likes of which we haven’t seen in quite some time. I know for a fact that I was far too young to be watching Troma movies. Which, ironically enough, is pretty much the only time they’re worth watching…
Even in an era where Robocop, Rambo, and Police Academy got their own cartoons, it is SHOCKING to me that this happened. It defies all logic and reason. More than any of the aforementioned shows, which were at least part of popular culture and had elements that little kids could glom onto (for instance, who DIDN’T grow up pretending they were Steve Guttenberg?), The Toxic Avenger was a cult icon at best, and trust me, there were not a lot of kids who knew who the hell he was. At that age, cartoon heroes are our aspiration figures. We want to be as strong as He-Man, as cool as the Ghostbusters (the REAL Ghostbusters, I mean), as brave as a GI Joe…
But who the fuck aspires to this:
Remarkable. So, anyway, the Toxic Crusaders is a thing that happened, and I watched it, and let me tell you, it was an experience.
The DVD, called The Adventure Begins, appears to be a complication of five episodes in the vague shape of a movie. We start with an introduction by Lloyd Kaufman, who is best described as the Walt Disney of Troma, where he amusingly complains about how the show was cancelled prematurely for being ahead of its time, as opposed to… This is followed by a guy in the cheapest, most cut-rate Toxic Avenger Halloween costume I’ve ever seen, telling you to check out all the special features, which include two complete public domain serials and full scans from the first issue of the Toxic Crusaders comic book, which it turns out I actually own. And no, I’m not sure how I feel about that fact.
Our story takes place in Tromaville, which is the cleanest city in all of New Jersey. (That, by the way, is one of their more subtle gags) The first episode is an eerily accurate adaptation of the Toxic Avengers origin. It’s cleaned up a little for the children, but… at some points, it may very well be shot for shot. But of course, a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength running around mutilating rapists and street trash probably wouldn’t have gone over so good with media watchdogs, so he’s given a more family friendly threat to face off with.
(By the way, you’d better get used to the phrase “hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength”, because it’s one of the primary running gags in the show, and it’s repeated enough times that it’s perfect for a drinking game, especially if the goal of a drinking game is to die of alcohol poisoning)
Our main bad guy is Dr. Killemoff, a four-armed alien from the planet Smogula. He’s an insect creature that disguises himself as a four armed purple guy in a business suit, so he might better blend in with humanity. His henchmen are Bonehead, a mutated version of the bully inadvertently responsible for transforming the Toxic Avenger (always referred to as “Toxie”, on account of that infamous 80’s ban on avenging things) in the first place; and Psycho, who has the other running gag in the show, where whenever Dr. Killemoff would announce his evil plan of the week, Psycho would always pose a hypothetical “what if something went wrong?”, and then go on to describe exactly what would happen in the rest of the episode, which Killemoff would just as inevitably dismiss as ridiculous. It’s a gag that cheekily nods to the cliched nature of children’s cartoons, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t get old fast.
The most interesting thing about Psycho is that he is voiced by Michael J. Pollard. If the name doesn’t ring a bell (and it should for fans of B-Movies, there’s a decent chance the face will:
Yep, that guy. He has a very distinctive, easily recognized voice, and it’s fun to hear him in such a silly role. Actually, that’s a thing to this shows credit: the characters are actually pretty entertaining, all things considered. I particularly like Yvonne, Toxie’s nearsighted, accordion playing girlfriend with her absurd accent and her delightfully horrible singing voice. And Toxie’s mom is pretty endearing, even if I’m not sure if she’s an offensive stereotype or not.
The show itself, as you might expect, is no great shakes. It’s pretty formulaic, as Killemoff comes up with evil plan after evil plan to pollute Tromaville for his fellow Smogulans (who can only live in polluted environments and, like every other alien, want to conquer the Earth).
As to why they’d target Tromaville as opposed to literally anywhere else, well, those are just the sorts of questions you’re not supposed to ask when you watch a show like this.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, the show takes the premise of a man mutated by toxic waste and marries it to a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles style ensemble, crossed with a slight pro-environment bent. Toxie is joined in his battles by a crew of fellow hideously deformed creatures of superhuman size and strength, each with their own powers, and each presumably available at your local Kay Bee Toys. They don’t really get too much in the way of character development, which is par for the course with these things, but they’re fun enough, and their designs are generally agreeably grotesque and demented.
Unfortunately, the movie itself isn’t quite as demented and grotesque as one would hope. But then, that was never going to happen, was it? No, there’s some admirably absurd and charmingly goofy jokes, but mostly it’s not that different from any of the other TMNT ripoffs that were choking the airwaves at the time.
I often rail against the dangers of nostalgia, which, considering I own every single episode of He-Man, She-Ra, and the much lamented New Adventures of He-Man, is probably deeply hypocritical of me. But despite my stance I’m glad I went back and looked at The Toxic Crusaders, if for no other reason than that it shouldn’t even exist in the first place.
