You should seek out and purchase Samurai Cop on DVD. The code of bushido compels you.
The Action/Adventure Section — A regular column that will exclusively highlight and review action movies. The most likely suspects? Action cinema of the 1970s and 1980s. But no era will be spurned. As the column grows, the intent will be to re-capture the whimsy of perusing the aisles of your local video store with only ragingly kick ass cover art to aide you in your quest for sweaty action glory. Here we will celebrate the beefy. This is a safe place where we still believe that one lone hero can save humanity by sheer force of will and generous steroid usage.
Tag Line: “You Have The Right To Remain Silent… Dead Silent.”
Stats (Provided by Commentary Track Host Joe Bob Briggs)
- Dead Bodies: 54
- Breasts: 9 instances
- Explosions: 2
- Running Gun Battles: 5
- Vehicle Chases: 2 (One crash)
- Kung Fu Scenes: 5
One could be forgiven for being a little confused by Samurai Cop, neigh even disoriented. Let me walk you through it.
Yes, there is a movie named Samurai Cop (1989). And yes, it does star the titular Maniac Cop himself, Robert Z’dar. But, no, the film has absolutely nothing to do with Maniac Cop. Nor does its cover art (horror-themed and Maniac Cop-inspired) represent this micro-budget action/softcore in any way. As a matter of fact, Z’dar doesn’t even play the Samurai Cop. And it is possible to watch this movie all the way through and never really understand who IS supposed to be a Samurai Cop… that might be because the movie features pretty much no samurais. I know, I know, I promised I would walk you through it, and you might be even more confused than you were a few minutes ago. Let’s break this down even further, because Samurai Cop is a “bad” movie not quite in league with Miami Connection, but pretty dang close. It deserves whatever cult following it can get.
As an audience, we are supposed to accept that Joe Marshall (Matt Hannon in his only film ever) is the Samurai Cop. We are told through exposition from Robert Z’dar that Marshall is trained in bushido and is an expert in Japanese culture and practices the code of the samurai. But that exposition is pretty much all we get, followed IMMEDIATELY by a scene in which Joe “comically” stumbles over the pronunciation of our Asian villain’s last name. I don’t know about you guys, but when I picture a samurai… is it wrong that he never looks anything like this dude on the right:
I’ve probably oversold the confusing nature of Samurai Cop, because really the only confusing stuff is the marketing, and the seeming lack of actual samurais in a movie called Samurai Cop. Because all you’ve really got here is a mind-numbingly awful buddy-cop, shot on video, no-budget action film. Joe and his partner Frank (Mark Frazer) chase down a low-rent Asian crime lord named Fujiyama whose greatest on-screen crime is his feathered mullet and diminutive stature, and Fujiyama’s top henchmen are played by the only recognizable actors in the whole affair: Robert Z’dar (Maniac Cop, Tango & Cash) and Gerald Okamura (Over 50 screen credits including Big Trouble In Little China, The Octagon, and G.I. Joe). Joe and Frank get yelled at by their angry chief, banter awkwardly about how Frank (an African-American man) has a large penis and a “black ass,” and Joe sleeps with two different women while extensively flirting with a third. Some crime fighting happens in there somewhere, too, but mostly just Joe and Frank murdering people. Oh, and there are some hilarious martial arts perpetrated by actors who should never attempt martial arts anywhere without being slapped with a hefty fine.
We open with a drug bust/chase scene in which Joe and Frank begin their murderous rampage by shooting a man out of a getaway van and then running him over, leaving his corpse in the middle of the road. When Frank suggests they call back up, Joe insists they have it under control. Makes sense. Then Joe tells the blonde bombshell flying the police helicopter to “keep it warm for him.” Interestingly, he speaks to this helicopter pilot with an “inside voice,” like you and I would talk in a living room, WHILE she is piloting a helicopter in the air. Sure enough, she does keep it warm for him and they’re doing the nasty (and I do mean nasty… see above/below pictures of Matt Hannon). After this you would think Joe is “with” Peggy the helicopter cop (Melissa Moore), but all she does for the rest of the movie is hit on every breathing male while Joe tells her to “keep it warm” multiple times.
Let’s go rapid fire through the rest of this odyssey:
- There is a cult-famous scene in which Robert Z’dar tells his boss: “I will bring you his head and I will place it on your piano.”
- The cops confront Fujiyama at a restaurant and Z’dar magically produces at least 15–20 foot soldiers to assault our cops RIGHT OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT. Z’dar ends up shooting a bunch of his own men with an uzi because… bushido. Oh, and the cops murder the rest of them.
- Samurai Cop starts trying to get into the pants of Fujiyama’s main squeeze and church girl, Jennifer.
- Cops siege Gerald Okamura’s place… hilariously fumbling with a locked sliding glass door. After a terribly long fight scene… once again… the cops pretty much murder Okamura.
- There are TWO different shoot outs in this film which cut out bizarrely. In one, no joke, Joe is shooting dudes in an alley… and there is still a dude that he’s shooting at… and then the scene ends and smash cuts to a sex scene with Robert Z’dar (forever burned into my eyes). Then in another, some bad guys siege Joe’s house, and he and Jennifer (who he sleeps with after picking her up from church) drive off in a sports car. Having just been assaulted, naturally Jennifer just appears at her Mother’s house to tell her she is in love with Joe, while Joe ends up at the police station without Jennifer. Fascinating.
- In order to siege Joe’s house in the scene described above, Z’dar and his minions kill a few cops and burn Peggy the pilot with hot oil in order to get Joe’s address. Frank is attacked as well, having his “black gift” threatened to be cut off. All of this goes down during an extended seduction sequence in which a man-kini’d Samurai Cop woos Jennifer.
- So naturally after this, the chief literally tells Joe and Frank to go KILL all of Fujiyama’s army. As if they hadn’t been doing enough murdering already.
- There’s a big “climactic” siege which leads to the mandatory “samurai showdown” between Z’dar and Samurai Cop. The fight features swordplay that desperately wishes it was as awesome as Star Wars Kid. Z’dar does the seppuku thing and then we smash cut to Samurai Cop and Jennifer on the beach in bikinis, keeping it warm for each other.
- The fall out from the murdered cops, dozens of slain gangsters, and the hot-oil-burned Peggy who did everything she possibly could to keep it warm for Samurai Cop, all fades to memory as dueling bikinis lull us into the closing credits.
Samurai Cop is a true gem that Joe Bob Briggs seems to have re-discovered and resurrected through a DVD release featuring his comic commentary and introduction. Although the commentary is pretty funny, it is also insightful. Briggs talks all about the female leads and their other, pornier screen credits, as well as the careers of Z’dar and Okamura. Directed by Amir Shervan, who made some non-English language films before a holy trio of zero budget action including this film, Hollywood Cop, and Killing American Style (Again with Z’dar and this time, Jim Brown!).
I don’t tend to cover “so bad it’s good” movies here in the action/adventure section, my love letter to action cinema. But I genuinely had no idea this WAS that kind of movie before popping it in. A friend let me borrow his copy of the movie (that friend and I are now BFFs after this glorious exchange) and told me nothing. The glory that unfolded next was more Mystery Science Theater than vintage action gem. But if I can just touch one life in the way my buddy has touched mine by encouraging fans of cult cinema to seek out Samurai Cop at their earliest convenience, then my work here will be done.
And I’m Out.
