Future Kick should not be purchased by anyone, anywhere. But it CAN be purchased on DVD at Amazon.
The Action/Adventure Section
A weekly column that will exclusively highlight and review action movies. The most likely suspects? Action cinema of the 1970s and 1980s. But no era will be spurned. As the column grows, the intent will be to re-capture the whimsy of perusing the aisles of your local video store with only ragingly kick ass cover art to aide you in your quest for sweaty action glory. Here we will celebrate the beefy. This is a safe place where we still believe that one lone hero can save humanity by sheer force of will and generous steroid usage.
FUTURE KICK
I never intended The Action/Adventure Section to have any rhyme or reason to the selection of films covered. Yet somehow we very quickly got two Robert Clouse films covered, and then I was really tempted to go down the Burt Reynolds rabbit hole again this week. But I managed to veer a hard right into an action/sci-fi film that I had absolutely never heard of: Future Kick (1991.)
I guess the total obscurity of this title deserves an explanation, although I genuinely hope to cover increasingly bizarre and underseen obscura in this column along with A-list action royalty. You see, a few months back I stumbled across the fact that Bloodfist, starring Don “The Dragon” Wilson, was available on Netflix Watch Instant. I debated for probably 7–9 seconds before hitting play. Here was a noted action star whose name I have known for as long as I can remember, but whose films I have never seen. Not to mention that Bloodfist has at least 7 entries in the total franchise. And you know what? I had a good time with the original Bloodfist! If you can believe that a “poor man’s Bloodsport” could possibly exist, then you have a good idea of what Bloodfist offers. Don Wilson was an energetic and likable lead, if not the most convincing actor on Earth. But the key is that he, like Chuck Norris before him, was a real martial arts competitive champion in kickboxing before heading over to action star land.
I am telling you all about Bloodfist because seeing that film made me want to seek out more of Don “The Dragon” Wilson’s action films. Future Kick is now my second foray into his work, and wow… the drop off was staggering. But before I get there, let’s talk about the fact that Meg Foster (They Live, Masters Of The Universe) also stars in Future Kick, and the film is a Roger Corman production. All of those factors were enough for me to bump this bad boy up to the top of the list as the next film addition to the Action/Adventure Section.
This time out, Don Wilson plays (no joke) a “Cyberon” named Walker. Here in the world of Future Kick, the Cyberon race was created and then became so feared that humans hunted them all down and destroyed them. Which is interesting, because it seems the only difference between human and Cyberon is that when Cyberon’s take off their sunglasses, there is a cool futuristic sound effect. Walker is the last of his kind and is pursued by some government agency that wants to eliminate him because their jealousy of his mullet has consumed them. So, you know… Blade Runner.
Meg Foster plays Nancy, a wealthy moon-dweller who returns to a poorly constructed set of minatures called “Earth” in order to track down her husband’s murderer. Nancy’s husband created some killer virtual reality software that takes poverty-stricken saps on wild adventures beyond their pay level. So, you know… Total Recall.
The dude who killed Nancy’s husband is some kind of organ harvester with an impossibly impractical 3-bladed knife-thing that he uses to removes people’s hearts and what not. He sells organs to New Body, a big evil corporation of the future. So, you know… every dystopian sci-fi movie ever.
Really, the only fun element that Future Kick tries to bring to the table is to steal a bunch of better sci-fi movies’ ideas and then mix them with martial arts! And why not? The only thing that would have made Blade Runner better would have been a few roundhouse kicks from Harrison Ford, am I right? (Editor note: no.)
Look, the problems with Future Kick are immense. But there is some fun to be had. Towards the end, there is a Terminator-esque super battle between Don Wilson and none other than Chris Penn! (The portly late brother of Sean Penn and star of such films as Best of the Best.) There are some fun attempts at gore with our organ harvesting villain stabbing people left and right with his “impractiblade.” And there are tons of attempts at plot twists and intrigue. Also, since this is a Roger Corman production, there are at last 5 scenes that take place at a seedy strip club filled with hideously 1990s fashion despite being set in the distant future of 2025. So if you are looking for wanton cruelty and aesthetically unpleasing nudity… Future Kick DVDs are sitting in some Amazon warehouse just waiting for you to adopt them!
Besides the cripplingly low budget that reaches out and stabs your eyes with every terrible model and miniature and visual effect and poorly-dressed set, there are even bigger problems at play here. For one thing, the attempt at a catch-all style that incorporates martial arts and sci-fi and film noir and tittehs leaves every one of those elements underdeveloped. Why is there an entire government organization trying to track down Don Wilson if he’s the only Cyberon left ON EARTH? Why does the fact that he is a Cyberon even matter? He could totally be a human and the story would barely be impacted at all. And why does that organization that is tracking him only seem to pick up his signal when it helps move the plot forward? And if this oranization can track Walker at seemingly any time, why did he pick such a highly exposed job as a gun for hire?
Then there is Meg Foster. Why is she the worst detective ever and why is her narrative connection to Walker so ridiculously thin? Why was everyone in the ’90s so sure virtual reality was the next big thing and why were they all so terrible at visually representing it on the big screen?
Future Kick would beg you to ask all these questions… if it assumed you would be paying attention. But it doesn’t. It really had the single solitary goal of throwing some sweet spin kicks your way and tossing in a little subversive sci-fi commentary for the occasional 3rd grader who might be starting to pick up on blunt force allegory.
I’m coming off sounding pretty harsh, and I guess the main reason is that Future Kick just isn’t fun enough. If this pastiche approach really actually bothered me, then I’d have to discount every major sci-fi tentpole of the last few years. Because at this point, everything is a remix. But Future Kick commits the cardinal sin of mixing all these elements together and still being boring.
It is very possible that another Corman-lover or Don Wilson fanatic could see this movie and have an absolute blast with it. But the horrendous execution on display here really dulled my enjoyment of the ripped off story to the point that I wasn’t having enough fun to offset all the idea theft.
I’ll try my hand at a few more Don “The Dragon” Wilson films before I abandon the guy. I had too much fun with Bloodfist to give up on him that easily. But Walker the Cyberon JUST about did me in.
And I’m Out.
Originally published at old.cinapse.co on May 14, 2013.