Now that Iron Man 3 has dropped the proverbial gauntlet, with the severed arm still ensconced within, to take this metaphor into an unexpectedly dark place, I feel like it’s time to see if potential competitors can take the crown for ‘Best Movie of Summer 2013’.
But just for fun, lets throw in some clearly shitty movies so I have something to make fun of.
Ready? No? Not yet?
Too bad, this is happening…
MAY 10
THE GREAT GATSBY
The Skinny: Leonardo DiCaprio plays the enigmatic title character in this adaptation of the classic novel by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Tobey Maguire, Carey Mulligan, Joel Edgerton, Isla Fisher, and Jason Clarke co-star. Directed by walking disco ball Baz Luhrman.
My Take: Seeing as how I didn’t apply myself in high school and never made it to the good english classes, I have to admit that this is a gap in my literary bonafides. So it would be pointless for me to speculate on how the movies compares to the novel, except that it will presumably be drenched in glitter, because Baz Luhrman is all about that shit…
TYLER PERRY PRESENTS: PEEPLES
The Skinny: Craig Robinson stars as a man who suffers through indignity after indignity while trying to impress the tough-minded father of his girlfriend (Kerry Washington) in this more comedic take on the 1998 film Meet The Parents. Directed by Tina Gordon Chism.
My Take: Tyler Perry merely put his name on the movie (because branding), so a viewer probably won’t have to deal with his… less-than-progressive… thematic concerns. If I’m being honest, the trailer was faintly amusing, and I’d imagine this would be watchable on cable during a long weekend or what have you. On the other hand, I should probably see it in a theater, since I do my best to try and support female directors (or as they’d probably prefer to be called, ‘directors’)…
SIGHTSEERS
The Skinny: A man and his girlfriend take a caravan tour that quickly takes a wrong turn in this dark comedy from Ben Wheatley, the director of the staggeringly overrated Kill List.
My Take: I don’t have much to say about this movie, I just wanted an opportunity to bring up how much I hated Kill List again…
MAY 17
STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS
The Skinny: The younger, sexier voyages of the Starship Enterprise continue, as the ridiculously-named Benedict Cumberbatch does something bad and must be stopped from doing more bad things. JJ Abrams directs.
My Take: I very much enjoyed the first film, despite it having very little to do with the Star Trek I remember from childhood. But I’ve grown a bit weary of Abrams and his ‘Mystery Box’ nonsense, and the “stunningly obvious in retrospect” fact that Abrams really wanted to make Star Wars movies the whole time but thought this was as close as he’d ever get. But then George Lucas called an audible and Abrams left a nerd-shaped hole in the wall on his way out of the Enterprise. That said, he’s nothing if not a skilled craftsman, and I can’t imagine this won’t at the very least be a fun couple of hours…
FRANCES HA
The Skinny: Greta Gerwig is the title character, who struggles to define herself as a young person trying to succeed in New York. Noah Baumbach directs a script co-written by himself and Gerwig.
My Take: Greta Gerwig is endlessly charming, and the movie comes with the pedigree of director Noah Baumbach, but I’ve never seen any of his films. Taken merely on its own, this reads as very similar to her earlier Lola Versus, and I did not care for that movie at all…
MAY 24
FAST AND THE FURIOUS 6
The Skinny: In this sixth installment of the inexplicably long-lived Fast and the Furious franchise, Dwayne Johnson tracks down Vin Diesel, flexing his muscles in an attempt to recruit Diesel and his team of hot rodding superthieves for a dangerous mission. Realizing that standing next to The Rock makes him look like a Stage 4 cancer patient, Diesel has no choice but to agree. The film also stars Paul Walker, Luke Evans, Ludacris, Tyrese, and Michelle Rodriguez, playing the same role she always does, but this time I think her name is ‘Letty’ or something…
My Take: Each trailer has made this look more and more ridiculous, to the point where I can’t imagine it won’t be incredibly entertaining, or possibly even good. Well, probably not good…
BEFORE MIDNIGHT
The Skinny: Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy return for the final installment of the Before trilogy, where presumably they will walk around and talk about their feelings for 90 minutes.
My Take: I still haven’t seen the first two Before movies, so I can’t speculate on how this will be. Though I’m still keeping my fingers crossed that my local theater will do some kind of pre-release marathon like they did with the Twilight Saga. Because I think we can all agree that Hawke and Delpy are the Bella and Edward of Generation X. God, even saying that makes me feel about 100 years old…
THE HANGOVER III
The Skinny: The Wolf Pack is back for the final installment of the Hangover trilogy, where presumably they will walk around and talk about their feelings for 90 minutes…
My Take: Todd Philips has a fairly extreme view of what comedy should be, and it’s not necessarily one I agree with. I enjoyed the first film for its sheer element of surprise, but the sequel ratcheted up the inherent mean-spirited nature of much of Philips’ work to an intolerable level. I’ll probably see it out of morbid curiosity, and keep my fingers crossed that he tones down the misanthropy…
MAY 31
AFTER EARTH
The Skinny: In a bleak future where mankind has abandoned Earth, Cypher Raige (Will Smith) and his son Kitai (Jaden Smith) crash land on their former home planet, where, in the complete absence of humanity, everything has evolved to kill humans. Seeing as how his father has suffered severe brain damage in the crash, manifesting in robotic speech and terrible dialogue, the younger Smith takes it upon himself to rescue them, all the while saying things like “WOOOO!” or “Oh, HELL NAW, Earth!”
My Take: I’m already on record as thinking this movie is going to be the flop of the summer. Now it falls to co-writer/director M. Night Shyamalan to prove me wrong…
NOW YOU SEE ME
The Skinny: Jesse Eisenberg leads a team of magicians in a series of heists, while Mark Ruffalo tries to figure out how they did it/bring them to justice.
My Take: I was actually surprised by how fun this trailer looked. The cast is extremely impressive, and I’m thinking there’s a chance this becomes a sleeper hit. That, or it becomes the movie that everyone rents six months after the fact and enjoys, and I get all up in their face and say ‘I told you so, why didn’t you listen to me? I wanted a sequel, dammit!’
THE PURGE
The Skinny: In this unexpected fourth movie in the Before trilogy, Ethan Hawke struggles to come to terms with the collapse of his relationship with Julie Delpy (now played by Lena Heady), while in the background society has decided that for one night a year, all crime is legal. Hilarity ensues…
My Take: This is one of those movies where you have to buy the premise. I’m not sure how being allowed to rape, pillage and murder with no repercussions for 12 hours a year leads to 1% unemployment, but my guess is that I’ve already given it more thought than the creators…
THE EAST
The Skinny: Zal Batmanglijs’ followup to his eerie, underseen Sound of My Voice tracks an intelligence operative that infiltrates a group of dangerous eco-terrorists. Batmanglij is once again joined by his Voice star and co-writer Brit Marling, who acts in the same capacity here. Ellen Page co-stars as one of the terrorists.
My Take: Sound of My Voice, while probably less than the sum of its parts, had some great moments, and a wonderfully intense and enigmatic performance by Marling. It will be interesting to see if they’ve upped their game. Also, I’ve missed the Ellen Page that gave me nightmares in Hard Candy, so let’s hope that’s the one that shows up here. Also, not for nothing, but I also see Alexander Skarsgard in the cast, and that dude confounds me, because he has been distractingly terrible in everything I’ve ever seen him in. I welcome anyone reading this to explain that guy to me, because I’m genuinely curious what that’s all about…
JUNE 7
THE INTERNSHIP
The Skinny: After eight years, Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson reunite to recapture the magic of… that movie they did. I think there was an alien in it? They may have switched bodies. Talking monkey, maybe? I dunno, it was something. Anyway, they’re back, so… whatever.
My Take: When your trailer makes your movie out to be a 90 minute ad for google, and when the only laugh contained therein is a cheesy X-Men gag with Patrick Stewart, you are starting so far behind the wall of quality that you probably don’t even know there’s a wall to climb in the first place. The moral being, if we ignore Vince Vaughn, maybe he’ll go away.
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
The Skinny: Joss Whedon follows up one of the highest grossing films of all time with a black and white Shakespeare adaptation he literally shot in his backyard. Like a boss.
My Take: The trailer for this movie makes it look fun and sexy in a way I don’t generally associate with the Bard, because I’m not really a Shakespeare guy. So yeah, I’m definitely down for this one…
JUNE 14
MAN OF STEEL
The Skinny: Sent from the dying planet Krypton to Earth by his father Robin Hood (Russell Crowe) and raised by his adopted human father Robin Hood (Kevin Costner), Clark Kent (Henry Cavill) goes hitchhiking, works on a shrimp boat, broods about feeling disconnected from humanity, and maybe punches some aliens in the third act or something. Zack Snyder directs.
My Take: Superman is my favorite superhero and these trailers aren’t doing it for me, but I, as ever, remain cautiously optimistic.
THIS IS THE END
The Skinny: James Franco, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, and pretty much the whole Apatow gang get together to face the end of the world in this comedic take on celebrity and the apocalypse.
My Take: Rogen is pretty hit-and-miss with me, but the red band trailer sold some decent jokes and what I hope is a ruthless sense of self-awareness. If they can successfully tap into (and play off of) the traits that make them so annoying to people, this could be a lot of fun. But if they play it wrong, this could just as easily turn out to be a self-indulgent mess. I have a feeling it’s going to be both.
THE BLING RING
The Skinny: Sofia Coppola directs this docudrama based on a real life gang of teens who broke into the houses of multiple celebrities and… did stuff, I guess.
My Take: Not usually the sort of thing I’d be interested in, but I’m excited to see the underrated Coppolas’ spin gossamer out of true crime. I also suspect that regardless of the quality of the film itself, the soundtrack will probably kick some serious ass…
JUNE 21
MONSTERS UNIVERSITY
The Skinny: Pixar goes back to the well and digs up a prequel to Monsters Inc, following the adventures of Bill Crystal monster and John Goodman monster as they audit comparative literature, drive back home so their parents can do their laundry, and puke on a hot girl after their tenth game of beer pong at a Fraternity keg party.
My Take: Pixar has never made a ‘bad’ film (though I’m guessing Cars 2 comes close; I haven’t seen it), so this will probably be fine. But, come on, Pixar! The old man’s wife from Up would be rolling over in her grave if she saw how unadventurous you guys are being…
WORLD WAR Z
The Skinny: In this liberal adaptation of the hit novel by Max Brooks, Brad Pitt stars as a U.N. Worker that tries to get to the bottom of a viral outbreak that turns normal people into rubbery looking CGI Twister players.
My Take: The scope seems pretty impressive, but at the end of the day this looks like somebody inflated 28 Days Later with helium…
JUNE 28
THE HEAT
The Skinny: Sandra Bullock and Melissa MCarthy play buddy cops who happen to be ladies who fight crime and also they are ladies and one is uptight and the other is a wild card and I’ll let you figure out which is which.
My Take: I’m being a bit glib, perhaps. I quite like both Bullock (when she’s doing comedy) and Mccarthy, and seeing as how straightforward buddy cop movies are few and far between these days, I’ll probably pony up for a ticket.
WHITE HOUSE DOWN
The Skinny: Channing Tatum is a DC cop who springs into action when terrorists take over the White House. Jamie Foxx also stars in a dual role as both the President and a guy that was probably not expecting to come in second billed to Channing Tatum.
My Take: Since I’m not above recycling jokes I’ve posted on my Facebook wall: If you think America isn’t the land of opportunity, consider this: Jamie Foxx has gone from being a slave to being President of the United States in two movies flat.
HUMMINGBIRD
The Skinny: Jason Statham Ltd stars in this offbeat, London-based crime thriller as a homeless ex-soldier that assumes another man’s identity and runs afoul of British gangsters. Either that, or it’s a Crank sequel where he is implanted with the heart of a hummingbird…
My Take: Statham (who I’ve taken to calling Jason Statham Limited because of his propensity for making movies that could have come off of an assembly line and because… well, his range is limited) needs to switch things up if he’s ever going to win his dwindling fanbase back. His British movies usually allow him to be a little more interesting than his American programmers, so hopefully that’s the case here.
JULY 5
THE LONE RANGER
The Skinny: Based on the classic radio show, this big budget western follows the adventures of the masked lawman, his horse Silver, and his faithful sidekick Tonto, played by Johnny Depp in a brave example of colorblind casting…
My Take: My Johnny Depp threshold got reached somewhere around The Tourist, so if I’m seeing this (and I probably am) it’s more on the back of the incredibly underrated Gore Verbinski and the apparently very hard to cast Armie Hammer, who should be in way more things than he is.
KEVIN HART: LET ME EXPLAIN
The Skinny: The followup to comedian Kevin Hart’s 2011 monster hit concert film Laugh at My Pain, where he will presumably tell a lot of funny jokes.
My Take: I know he’s a big star these days, but to me he’ll always be ‘Busta’ from the 2005 classic In The Mix:
JULY 12
PACIFIC RIM
The Skinny: Guillermo Of The Bull directs a movie about giant fucking robots fighting giant fucking monsters. I will copy and paste that sentence in bold print, because you probably need to read it again, and harder : Guillermo Of The Bull directs a movie about giant fucking robots fighting giant fucking monsters.
My Take: Hell yes.
That is all.
GROWN UPS 2
The Skinny: Who cares?
My Take: This same Friday, Guillermo Of The Bull directs a movie about giant fucking robots fighting giant fucking monsters.
I don’t even know what else there is to talk about…
JULY 19
RED 2
The Skinny: In this sequel to the surprise hit Bruce Willis action/comedy, Bruce Willis shoots at people and smirks. Also starring John Malkovich, Mary Louise Parker, Helen Mirren, Anthony Hopkins, and Catherine Zeta Jones, all as possible people that Bruce Willis shoots at while smirking.
My Take: The first movie was decent, and I prefer wisecracking comedy Bruce Willis to the dour fuck that’s been glooming up my theaters for well over 20 years now, but nothing about that first movie said ‘sequel’ to me. Oh, well. I suppose I gotta take my happy Bruce where I can…
R.I.P.D.
The Skinny: An adaptation of a Dark Horse comic about a recently killed cop who is inducted into a past mortem police force called the R.I.P.D. Ryan Reynolds is the dead rookie, and Jeff Bridges is his veteran partner.
My Take: Somewhat curious. Nothing about this says ‘good’ to me, but the presence of Jeff Bridges confuses me. Whereas Ryan Reynolds seems to take all his career advice from a Magic 8-Ball that secretly hates him, Bridges is generally pretty careful about what movies he lends his considerable talents to. Could this be better than it looks? Well, it would pretty much have to be, wouldn’t it?
THE CONJURING
The Skinny: Allegedly based on a true story, this supernatural horror pic stars Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga as husband and wife paranormal investigators that take on the case of a haunted farmhouse and get more than they bargained for… directed by James Wan of Insidious and Saw fame.
My Take: The teaser trailer (which was just an extended scene from the film) was creepily effective. Sure, it’s the same old spooky tricks, but when they’re done well, it just works. I’m not sure how different this is going to be from the half scary, half goofy Insidious, but I’m on board.
JULY 26
THE WOLVERINE
The Skinny: For the sixth time, Hugh Jackman reprises his role as the wonderfully coiffed killing machine some men call Logan, this time in a Japan-set adventure where he is forced to face his mortality…
My Take: As a man who can mount a passionate defense of X-Men Origins: Wolverine (the short version: I don’t give a shit about Wolverine, Gambit, or Deadpool, so none of it bothered me), I don’t have a strong opinion of this movie. It looks fine, but mostly I find myself distracted by the sheer awesomeness of Jackman’s physique. Forget the movie, what I’m really looking forward to the promotional ‘Mens Health Magazine’ tie-in interview where he explains in detail how he got that ripped…
FRUITVALE STATION
The Skinny: The true story of Oscar Grant, who woke up full of hope and dreams on December 31st, 2008 and oh shit I just know this isn’t going to end well… Michael B. Jordan stars and Ryan Cooglar directs.
My Take: A festival darling, this seems like an odd movie to release in the summer. I’ve read so many good things that my curiosity is piqued, but I’ve never been a huge fan of reality, or the things that happen therein. I’ll judge based on the trailer, but for now, count me out.
AUGUST 2
300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE
The Skinny: Seeing as how Zack Snyder was too busy making Superman sad, Noam Murro takes over for this prequel to the surprise 2006 hit that temporarily tricked America into thinking Gerard Butler was leading man material. If you want to know what madness was before it was Sparta, this is the place…
My Take: The world doesn’t need a 300 prequel, but we’ve got one. And it does have Eva Green, which is a thing all movies should have.
2 GUNS
The Skinny: Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg star as buddy cops that get involved with the mob. Apparently based on a comic book.
My Take: Just looking at the cast gives me hope that this will be a good one. Wahlberg is always better when he has someone to bounce off of. And it will be interesting to see if he has any chemistry with Washington, who I don’t think of as a chemistry-prone presence. The only person I can think of who played off him all that well was Dakota Fanning, because even Denzel Washington isn’t a big enough asshole to try and shut out a little girl. And by the way, when are we as a nation going to talk about the fact that Washington, once one of our most respected and serious actors, is basically the A-Movie equivalent of Michael Dudikoff now?
THE SMURFS 2
The Skinny: Raja Gosnell once again does his level best to convert your childhood memories into fuel for a soul-sucking doomsday machine that will ravage the Earth and the box office, if not necessarily in that order.
My Take: Sight unseen, I can promise you this movie doesn’t deserve the finger dexterity it would take for me to type ‘Go Fuck Yourself, Smurfs 2‘. But I have a generous nature, so I did it anyway.
AUGUST 9
ELYSIUM
The Skinny: The long awaited follow-up to Neill Blomkamp’s 2009 sleeper hit District 9 stars Matt Damon as a man fighting for equality in a future where the haves literally look down on the have-nots from a Paradisal floating city. Jodie Foster also stars.
My Take: District 9 was a really great movie that came out of nowhere with a remarkably controlled mix of satire, action, and pointed social commentary, so of course anticipation is high for Blomkamp’s sophomore effort. Considering that the world has arguably gotten a little crappier in the four years since his last movie, I hope the ever-conscientious Blomkamp remembers to keep the balance of fun to moral outrage on the right side of things…
PLANES
The Skinny: This Dinsey spinoff of the Cars franchise follows the adventures of… did I read that right? I did? So it really is a movie about a talking plane voiced by Dane Cook? Huh. Well, I’m sure you guys know what you’re doing… Also starring… Val Kilmer? Teri Hatcher? John Cleese? Stacey Keach? Sinbad? Seriously…? You guys are messing with me, right? Did Lassiter put you up to this? No? You’re actually being serious right now? Okay… well, good luck with all that…
My Take: I, uh… hey, what do you want me to tell you? They say it’s a real one. So parents, do what you want, I guess. Kids gotta learn about the superfinger sooner or later, right?
AUGUST 16
KICK ASS 2
The Skinny: Kick-Ass and Hit Girl are back! And this time, it’s personal! For the Red Mist, anyway, who swears revenge on Kick-Ass for whatever happened in the first film. Chloe Grace Moretz, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Christopher Mintz-Plasse and Jim Something-Carrey star.
My Take: I wasn’t as big a fan of the first movie as most, though I thought it was miles ahead of the (absolutely vile) comic book it was based off of. I actually thought the second volume of the comic was pretty good, but the real test is going to be if the movie can withstand the loss of director Matthew Vaughn, replaced here by Jeff Wadlow. Vaughn gave the first film more style and energy than it probably deserved, so we’ll have to wait and see what happens without him…
THE TO-DO LIST
The Skinny: Aubrey Plaza of Parks and Recreation gets her first starring vehicle as a nerdy high school graduate that decides to have a series of sexual experiences before she goes off to college. Written and directed by Maggie Carey.
My Take: The cast is a murderers’ row of comic talent, and I have a strange affection for the deadpan Plaza. If nothing else, it will be interesting if her unique energy can hold up in the face of lead actress status…
PRINCE AVALANCHE
The Skinny: David Gordon Green, after taking critical hits for his mainstream comedies Your Highness and The Sitter, returns somewhat to his quieter indie roots in this low key comedic drama about two road workers who retreat from the city in the summer of 1988. Paul Rudd and Emile Hirsch star.
My Take: Another festival darling that’s finally reaching the unwashed masses, I’ve heard good things about this one. After the crapfest that was Your Highness and the not- as- bad- as- you’d- think- but- still- incredibly- slight Sitter, it’s probably a good idea for Green to take a breather. The same goes for Paul Rudd, who is (for me at least) wearing out his welcome in the big Hollywood comedies. And I’m almost always happy to see Emile Hirsch, a deeply underrated actor. At any rate, I figure by this point in the summer, I’ll be more than ready for something a little more on the contemplative side. Read our website’s review here.
AUGUST 23
THE WORLD’S END
The Skinny: The final installment of the so-called ‘Blood and Cornettos’ trilogy, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost star alongside Martin Freeman, Eddie Marsan and Paddy Considine as old buddies who pick the wrong night to recreate a legendary bar crawl from their golden youth…
My Take: I don’t know anything about this movie, and I don’t want to know. (Writer-director) Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost immediately get my ticket money, no questions asked.
YOU’RE NEXT
The Skinny: After two long years of waiting, the rest of the world will finally get to see what everybody at every film festival ever was going ape-poop over. This apparent instant classic is directed by Adam Wingard who also did the ambitious, elliptical horror/romance A Horrible Way To Die.
My Take: There’s no way the movie can possibly live up to the version that’s been festering like a tumor in my brain since the first rave review I read two years ago. Truly, hype is a monster that consumes quality and shits out disappointment. Still, if I can keep my stupid hopes and dreams in check, maybe I can have a good time when I finally see this sucker…
THE GRANDMASTER
The Skinny: The long awaited new film by Wong Kar Wai, this is another take on the life and legend of martial arts master Ip Man. One of the Tony Leungs and Zhang Ziyi star.
My Take: There have been a ton of Ip Man movies in the last couple of years, but I’m extremely curious to see the always interesting Wong Kar-Wai’s spin on it.
AUGUST 30
ONE DIRECTION: THIS IS US
The Skinny: A concert documentary about a band that picked a direction, and are sticking with it, for better or worse.
My Take: Well, being that I am not a teenage girl, I don’t know that this one is any of my business at all. They don’t ask me what the big deal about ‘Color Me Badd’ was and I won’t ask them why I should care about guys who willingly leave their mansion dressed like the above picture. The way I see it, everybody wins.
GETAWAY
The Skinny: Selena Gomez and Ethan Hawke star in… wait. Ethan Hawke? That guy again? All right, three Ethan Hawke movies is my limit. I’m calling it. Summer’s done.
