I shouldn’t have to be writing this review, because there shouldn’t be a third Hobbit movie.
Cinapse is founded on a principle of resisting cynicism at all costs. We fundamentally attempt to approach every film with an informed optimism. And even if we end up loathing or despising a movie, it is important to us to be respectful of the filmmaker, the artists, the sheer volume of effort, attention, and detail that goes into the creation of a film… which many film critics have no functional conception of. I’m going to do my best to uphold the sacred standard of Cinapse here in my review of The Hobbit 3, but I’ve also been more animated in my frustration towards this movie than I’ve been towards anything since Transformers 4, and that is a lot of frustration.
The absolute best part about The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies is that it ends.
I don’t mean that to sound quite as excoriating as it does. But frankly, there is at least some sense of satisfaction in the completion of this journey. After years of being drawn out, stretched, and elaborated upon, the second Middle Earth Trilogy draws to a close in such a way as to be inferior to its predecessor on almost every level. But at the very least the various threads are all tied off and conclusive in this entry; whereas in the others there were cliffhangers that didn’t so much tantalize as cause us to question Peter Jackson’s pacing and storytelling instincts.
But as I’ve indicated in the headline, even the ending of this movie has five endings. Jackson and companies’ decision to leave the second film dangling with Smaug The Dragon in mid-attack on Lake Town requires that he wrap that story up here in this installment. This also creates the problem of the absolute best and most exciting part of the movie taking place in the first 15 minutes, and leaving the entirety of the rest of the film to feel like appendices. Honestly, upon the conclusion of the Smaug problem, the opening credits begin, and I couldn’t believe we had another two plus hours to go. This is a huge rhythm problem. The denouement of the film takes place before the opening credits.
And as if Peter Jackson didn’t receive enough taunting and teasing for The Return Of The King having too many endings, here the entire film feels like footnotes to a much grander tale. And all the way at the end, he gives in to his worst tendencies yet again, and allows for countless final moments upon final moments.
But this is supposed to be the part of the review where I offer up the things I did enjoy about the movie. And I did like that it ended. I also quite enjoyed the conclusion of the Smaug portion of the story. That whole opening sequence is exciting and helped me get back into some kind of emotional investment in the plight of the people of Lake Town. Also, as always, Martin Freeman as Bilbo was delightful and remains the best decision of the entire franchise. His casting provides the series with its only real beating heart from a story perspective. Most all of the main cast, including Luke Evans as Bard of Lake Town, Richard Armitage as Thorin Oakenshield, Ian McKellan as Gandalf The Grey, Evangeline Lilly as Tauriel, and Orlando Bloom as Legolas, do excellent jobs selling the drawn out material they’ve been given. Sometimes their screen presence and craft threaten to break free from the plodding story, but generally their great performance work just serves to make the leaden film feel much more tolerable. I’d also have to say, while I’m in the plus column, that the world-building of the set designers, art department, and even CG modelers and armorers/costume department has done nothing but improve over the course of this series. The look and feel of Middle Earth is perhaps the most rewarding experience of this trilogy. Howard Shore’s score and the sweeping visuals of New Zealand, on top of all that great set and costume work, still go incredibly far towards making me feel happy to be a LOTR fan enjoying a new jaunt in Middle Earth. And I guess that is why the issues I will lay out below disappoint me so deeply.
Look, I’m a huge fan of Peter Jackson and of the Lord Of The Rings films. I don’t even remember the theatrical cuts because I’ve probably revisited the Extended LOTR trilogy more than any other major franchise or beloved property of my adult life. I love the books, and feel that the first trilogy of films are literal miracle movies. The best possible studio taking the biggest risk on the greatest possible mad genius to pull off one of the grandest epics in cinema history. It all clicks. That I’ll always have those films in my life is a gift I can’t take for granted. The fates aligned and brought us something truly special.
So what happened?
I’ll lay out a few thoughts on where the biggest problems lie with The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies, or simply the series as a whole, since all three films suffered from very similar problems.
Success And The Total Lack Of Pressure
Nothing I’m saying in terms of criticism matters in the least bit, because the Hobbit films have been wildly financially successful. New Line insisted on giving Peter Jackson untold gobs of money to stretch The Hobbit into three films. Jackson has done as he was instructed, to vast financial reward. The result has been an indulgent trilogy that plays into Jackson’s worst tendencies and lives under the deep shadow of the superior trilogy. Whereas the budget which was approved for the Lord Of The Rings was unprecedented and placing said budget into the hands of Peter Jackson was risk on the levels Hollywood has never seen before, it all paid off because Jackson’s hunger to prove himself was rabid. LOTR was life or death for a whole studio. Today, each Hobbit installment is a virtual guaranteed blockbuster. There’s no hunger, there’s no risk. There is only the need to bloat up an otherwise satisfying story in order to maximize profit. Success bred excess.
Tolkien Vs Jackson
Then there’s the absolutely fascinating fact that whereas the “Extended Editions” of the LOTR franchise are the only editions I’ll ever watch again… you couldn’t pay me to even watch extended versions of these Hobbit films. I’ve never had such a steep drop off of interest in a franchise as I’m experiencing with these films. The mere existence of extended editions of these bloated Hobbit movies baffles me. And here’s why: In the LOTR series, the bonus material and extended sequences all teased Tolkien. It felt like obscure lore and deep cut mythology was being integrated into the already excellent story in such away that appealed to my geek/lizard brain profoundly. And that dynamic is all missing here. Whether inspired by supplemental Tolkien material or not, all the material added to stretch this series out, such as the cross species love between Elven Tauriel and Dwarven Kili (had to look up the name), or the existence of main series villain Azog The Defiler, feels much more Jackson than Tolkien. The business decision to make a trilogy out of a single movie story bleeds into the story, indicating we’re geting made up Jackson story, not half a century old Tolkien lore which feels mysterious and almost like modern day mythology and therefore has weight and meaning.
Hobbit Screen Time
The last problem I’ll lay bare here is the plain and simple fact that these movies are called “The Hobbit”. And as much as I love Martin Freeman as Bilbo and feel he almost single handedly redeems the trilogy through his casting and embodiment of this beloved character… Bilbo Baggins isn’t even the main character of The Battle Of The Five Armies. His total screentime in this movie can’t even be an hour of the almost three hour runtime. This is supposed to be the “there and back again” tale of an unassuming Hobbit who comes into his own on a swashbuckling adventure. Instead this film is about hordes of computer generated armies laying siege to one another over a mountain that is no longer interesting because there’s no longer a dragon in it. I know, I know… the book has this battle in it, too. And it has been over a decade since I read the book. But I’m fairly certain Bilbo Baggins in the main character of the book. This movie would more accurately have been called “Thorin Oakenshield: The Battle Of The Five Armies”, because that character has far more of a discernable dramatic arc than Bilbo does, and probably more screentime too.
There’s also too much CGI versus practical work (that ratio being flipped from the first trilogy is a big problem), too much distraction with the technology of 3D and high frame rates, so many characters that even after nine hours with them I still don’t care about them or know their names, and the list goes on.
Many fans love being transported Middle Earth on the silver screen so much that they’re able to love these Hobbit films. I wish I could love them. I really do. But I don’t. I don’t even think they are objectively good. I’m happy there are fans of The Hobbit Trilogy out there and I guess there are worse ways to spend nine hours than in cinematic Middle Earth. But I don’t plan to revisit these films again. I’ll always have the Lord Of The Rings trilogy, and nothing can take that precious away.
And I’m Out.