I was nine years old when I had my first encounter with video piracy (which is wrong, don’t do it!). It’s less of an issue today, but back then the release dates for films in the UK sometimes came many many months after the US release, causing no end of upset. TMNT (1990) was one such film, making kids wait nearly 8 months to see their heroes in a half shell. So, a month or so after release, much to my delight, my Dad came home from work with a VHS screener copy of TMNT. I was wowed by that grainy, dark, murky film (it really was godawful quality on reflection), and we lost ourselves in a live action version of some of our favorite characters, quips, action, and a lot of heart. Now in 2014, Producer Michael Bay brings us this vision of a cherished childhood cartoon series. Is he faithful to the source material? Are they really aliens now? Does he really stick Megan Fox on a trampoline for any legitimate reason other than to just see her bounce? Can he deliver a kid-friendly but nuanced, layered piece that can also appeal to adults? The answer to these things is probably no. But explosions and fart jokes are guaranteed…’cause Michael Bay. Let’s dig in.
Were I still nine years old, the juvenile humor, pretty accurate turtle characters, frenetic action scenes (that resemble a video game more than cinematic sequence) and yes…fart jokes, would leave me a happy boy. Alas, I am not nine any more. A clunky animated opening sets up the back story before we dive right into the plot, as it is. For years the turtles have been raised in the sewers, being prepared for the day when they can take on Shredder and his Foot Clan who have begun to take over the city. In collaboration with a wealthy businessman, they plot to unleash a toxin and then provide the cure (which happens to only exist in the turtles’ mutated blood) to seize control and profit.
This is the plot; however, the film actually follows the POV of April O’Neil (Megan Fox) and her aspirations to be a legitimate reporter. She stumbles across evidence of a group of vigilantes fighting back against the Foot Clan crime wave and investigates before uncovering the truth, as well as her own personal connection to them. Now this is where the real issue comes in. Again, akin to the Transformers series, there is a focus on a human perspective. You have giant robots in a film; follow the irritating humans. You have Ninja Turtles in a movie; follow the vacuous irritating human. It is important for a film to be relatable to its audience, to provide a connective thread, but these are two instances where attempting to do this completely draws the film away from where it should be. Fox, bless her she does try, is not an actress to build a film on, especially with a script this inept.
The second issue to stem from this O’Neil plot/POV approach is the “connection” element between O’Neil and the turtles. Think the changes to Peter Parker in the recent Amazing Spiderman series connecting his father to the work of Oscorp and his origins. A similar thing is done here to disastrous effect. There seems to be an ongoing need in some corners of the film industry to ground fantastical elements in the real world. Why? When dealing with a premise as offbeat as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles surely that is a time to push the boundaries and embrace a little crazy. This approach burdens Fox and her character with far too much, and the overthought setup simply drains the fun away. The Amazing Spiderman (1&2) really is the best comparison along with the Transformer series, a misguided, overly convoluted and unfocused approach to properties that should be a slam dunk. It is not just the abuse of the license that grates here. In the wake of efforts by Pixar, Dreamworks (How to Train Your Dragon), Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, and The Lego Movie, children AND adults have been delighted by films that aspire to and offer so much more. Fleshed out characters and storylines, well considered scripts, and actual emotional arcs that provoke a response. TMNT simply feels like a a relic from a bygone age.
The poor script means more time is given to terrible plot setup and exposition rather than anything resembling character interaction and development, but they do nail the turtles themselves, not that this should be difficult. Leonardo is the calm and measured leader, Raphael is the moody one, Donatello is the tech nerd, and Michelangelo is the fun party guy. Nailed. Stereotypes inserted successfully. The voice work is OK, but Johnny Knoxville (Leonardo) is a tad distracting. Much was made of the alterations to the turtle design before its release, but the flatter faces is the least of the problem; at times they seem to be homogeneous blobs, and the Splinter character is just horrific to look at. When at the same time you have a film playing in the next multiplex that makes you fall in love with a talking raccoon and sentient tree, every time you see the Turtles on screen you just wonder how they got it so wrong. Some of the CGI is not that bad — the 3D is not entirely offensive but it is gloss on a turd. The 1990s TMNT may have been more obviously men in suits, but those turtles had a charm and character that are not replicated here.
That said, there are a few moments where you think the writers “got it.” From some rooftop banter to a beatboxing scene in an elevator, there are moments that offer promise of what the film could have been, but instead only serve to highlight how badly it turned out. Megan Fox certainly tries her best, but it just further reinforces how untalented she is. The character required someone with more sass and sarcasm. The CGI effects used to animate her are also a tad unnerving, with her face taking on a weird sheen and soft focus. This lack of any real performance in the film, combined with a terrible script, crazy disorientating camerawork, and a generic score intruding throughout makes for one of the disappointments of the summer.
Overall, this is a immense disappointment. A generic homogeneous film that really uses nothing unique to the TMNT universe nor draws anything of note from it. The signature handiwork of Michael Bay permeates the film, rendering it an utter mess. From unnecessarily messing around with the origins, misguided focus on the human characters, a terrible script delivered by the mediocre Fox, it just offends on every level. Clunky exposition and setup leads to a CGI spectacle which (t)hurtles along with no logic or grace. If you can endure it, your kids will probably love it. But they deserve better than this.