GAME OF THRONES Recap: Dat Hipbone

by Sharon Mineo

I’m going to try my best not to start every recap from here on out by lamenting the fact that I don’t know WTF is going on with Game of Thrones any more, but damn it, I don’t know WTF is going on with Game of Thrones anymore. In addition to all the crazy things happening that are not in the book whatsoever, which is confusing enough, things are happening that do happen in the books but in the show are happening to different characters (Jorah taking Tyrion on a boat and getting greyscale, anyone?), and things from the book that you didn’t think were going to happen on the show are ending up happening, but not in the way they happened in the books (their marriage resulting from Dany proposing to Hizdahr???). Are you lost yet? I sure as hell am. The worst part is knowing that the HBO showrunners know where GRRM is going with the books, so it’s agonizing to look at every change and wonder if it’s because they want the show to end up where the future books do, or because they want to go in a completely opposite direction than the books?? If GRRM doesn’t have a heart attack and die before he finishes the books, either he or HBO are going to give ME one.

But I digress. The good news for you is that after all that, I don’t have the energy to rant and rave about the fact that yes, they killed off Barristan Selmy. Dany wasn’t wrong; he deserved better than to die in an alley fighting masked men. Props to her for going medieval on the leaders of the great houses, because everyone knows at least some of those assholes are the ones behind the Sons of the Harpy. Sure, it’s a total about-face from the give-him-a-fair-trial justice she was trying so hard to mete out a few episodes ago, but it’s totally worth it because SELMY. Of course, Grey Worm was not dead, because Missandei has boobs and HBO might want to show them again someday. He at last admits his feelings for her, which is SO not an Unsullied thing to do, but there you go. It’s still kind of sweet. It was also nice to see Dany turn to Missandei for guidance, and we see Dany find “another way” to the peace she desires — she’ll reopen the fighting pits (to free fighters only) and marry a Meereenese lord — none other than Hizdahr zo Loraq himself. Might as well stay on your knees, son, you just hopped out of the frying pan and into the (dragon) fire with this one.

Speaking of good advice, Maester Aemon has some for Jon Snow at the Wall — basically, put your big boy panties on because you’re Lord Commander now, and shit just got real. So Jon sets into motion a plan that’s not exactly palatable to the guys who’ve been fighting off wildlings for thousands of years; namely, he frees Tormund to round up the free folk still north of the Wall to come south and settle. Anyone with a lick of sense knows that it’s better to have the wildlings in the south helping the Watch fend off the armies of the dead that will be coming with winter, rather than leaving them north of the wall to be killed and join the ranks of said armies of the dead, but recall that most of these men weren’t sent to the Wall for their brains. Stannis has a brief run in with Sam, apparently for no other reason than to remind us that dragonglass kills the white walkers and point out that there’s at least ONE smart guy at the Wall. There’s another smart guy named Davos, who thinks it would be wise to wait for Jon and Tormund to bring back an army of wildlings before marching on Winterfell, but Stannis is having none of it — his army is marching out, along with his wife, daughter, and Melisandre. What could possibly go wrong?

The bulk of our time — or at least it SEEMED like a really long time — was spent at Winterfell where, luckily for us, since we had no Bronn and Jamie this episode, Ramsay has progressed from merely maniacally evil to hilariously maniacally evil. Outside the castle, Pod and Brienne are hanging on, trying to protect Sansa from afar and get messages to her in the castle. Inside the castle, jealousy is brewing with Ramsay’s equally twisted female counterpart, Miranda. I’ll wager to guess that she’s not in control of her faculties, but is somehow being manipulated by some unknown creature that has lodged itself in her hipbone, which nobody seems to notice is the pointiest hip in the history of the universe. Hopefully this storyline wraps up with this Miranda person saving Sansa a lot of time and trouble by accidentally skewering Ramsay with that hip during a particularly athletic lovemaking session. In the meantime, the hip creature has Miranda doing all sort of odd things, from petting Sansa’s dress fabric to making weird mom comments and revealing to Sansa in the creepiest way possible that Theon Greyjoy is in the castle. Cue a series of bizarre and meandering moments that you have to see to believe — Ramsay being nice to Theon, then making him apologize to Sansa at the most awkward dinner ever (you thought YOUR in-laws were weird…), then deciding that Theon should give Sansa away at the wedding, then Fat Walda announcing she’s pregnant, then Roose telling Ramsay the story of his conception. Good, old fashioned family fun.

Meanwhile, Jorah and Tyrion are still ON A BOAT, taking a shortcut through the ruins of Valyria, the ancient home of the Targaryens before they crossed the Narrow Sea and conquered Westeros. The city was destroyed a few centuries ago by the mysterious “Doom” (read: a giant fucking volcano), but it’s not completely lifeless — there’s Drogon soaring majestically overhead and rendering Tyrion speechless for once, and oh, how about some Stone Men too? These dudes were driven mad and turned hella gross by greyscale, the same disease that Princess Shireen had. Tyrion looks like a goner, but Jorah saves the day at great cost — he’s got greyscale, which in HBO-land has morphed into the fastest moving disease of all time. Seriously, how did he ALREADY have a huge grey patch on his arm?

That’s all I’ve got, Thronians — I’m too tired to rant about the Griffs and the Rhoyne and everything else that’s missing or not quite right. Too tired to speculate about Oldtown and the fact that Jon Snow is apparently accompanying Tormund to Hardhome. I can’t even muster an educated guess about Ramsay’s inevitable demise — will it be a knife in Sansa’s hands on their wedding night, or will Miranda and Dat Hip beat her to the punch? Since book Sansa never went to Winterfell, anything goes — and I’m betting my money on that hipbone.

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