This is a recap, so obviously there are spoilers. Need to have your memory jogged on where we left off at the end of season four? Check out old reviews and recaps here.
Welcome back, Thronians, to uncharted territory! With at least some of our characters having reached the end of the GRRM-penned storylines-to-date in the books, and others making major moves they certainly did NOT make in the books, it’s anyone’s guess what to expect this season. My fellow Cinapsian Jon already covered the general gist of the season five premiere in his early review of same, but he neglected to mention one very salient point: people who can appreciate the male physique are in for a little bit of a treat!
HBO has decided that slow and steady wins the race, moving the story forward without too much of real consequence happening, reminding us where we left some (but not all) of our favorites (or not-sos) and hinting at what they might be up to next.
We begin with a journey into the woods — who knows what may be lurking on the journey? A witch, as it turns out, being visited by two young girls who want to know their future. Surprise! It’s Cersei in flashback, learning she will be queen one day — until another, younger and more beautiful, takes her place. Oh, and she will have three kids with gold crowns, and gold shrouds. One down, two to go, amirite? We rejoin Cersei in the present, with Jaime at the side of dead dad Tywin, creeping everybody out with his fake eyes. Jaime warns Cersei that now everyone will be scrambling to destroy everything that Tywin built. Indeed, we see the beginnings of this later at the funeral after-party, where newly pious Sparrow Lancel Lannister reappears to ask Cersei’s forgiveness for all that boning and king-killing and whatnot. Lancel’s dad remarks to Cersei that the Sparrows never would have come to King’s Landing if Tywin was still alive. (Between that and seeing Margaery playing pattyfingers with Tommen, Cersei is NOT having a great day.)
But never fear, King’s Landing isn’t all doom and gloom — Ser Loras and his new friend Olyvar give us an impromptu lesson in Dornish geography (FORESHADOWING!) via an oddly shaped scar on Loras’ leg. But enough school for today, boys, it’s time for doin’ it! We at least get a little bit of gratuitous dude making out, abs, and booty before our new heroes are interrupted by Margaery. She may be a party pooper, but she’s obviously scheming something fierce against Cersei, so we can forgive her. More Tyrells, please!
Across the Narrow Sea, we get a cargo’s-eye-view of the city of Pentos, eventually lighting in Illyrio’s palace and uncrating one Tyrion Lannister, courtesy of Varys. To save us all some trouble, Varys neatly explains his long history of scheming to put a Targaryen back on the throne. “Westeros needs to be saved from itself,” implores Varys, to which Tyrion responds by drinking, vomiting, and drinking some more. That’s the spirit! Srsly, tho, Varys wants to ride with Tyrion to Meereen, introduce him to Daenerys, and use his political savvy to help her on her way.
Meanwhile, Dany herself means business with this whole ruling Meereen thing, trashing their city mascot and living large in a big-ass pyramid. We see an Unsullied visit a brothel, not for sex (because, you know, Unsullied — but with all this dude action they gotta work in at least one pair of boobs SOMEhow), but for some reassuring cuddles, and OH SHIT dude just got his throat slit by a masked man. Yes, the Sons of the Harpy have made their appearance, putting flies in Daenerys’ ointment whenever possible. There’s good news, though — Yunkai will chill out if only she will reopen the fighting pits — not to slaves, but to free gladiators who wish to fight for gold and glory. Dany is not on board until Daario gives her some lovin — and us grateful viewers a second dose of man butt — and explains how the pits made him the man he is today (a nod, presumably, to book readers who miss Strong Belwas). Oh, and Missandei still has a thing for Grey Worm — hope she likes cuddles — and the remaning to dragons and not well pleased at having been locked up and chained away. Teenagers (eye roll).
Elsewhere in the countryside, back in Westeros, Sansa and Petyr pawn Sweetrobin off on Lord Royce (wouldn’t you?) and head off to adventures unknown, mere ironic feet away from poor Brienne and Our Favorite Not-Squire, Pod. But the real action’s up at the Wall, where Jon’s doing the hard work of training newbies while Ser Alliser struts around looking grim and gearing up to go after the Lord Commander-dom against Denys Mallister. Sam, Gilly, Stannis, Davos, and Melisandre are all still in residence, along with Mance Rayder — whom Jon has to convince to bend the knee to Stannis rather than being burned alive. But Mance wasn’t king-beyond-the-wall for nothing, and would rather die than convince his fellow wildlings to take part in Stannis’ march to take back the north from Roose Bolton. But the most interesting development here is that Melisandre has her eye on Jon Snow:
“Are you a virgin?”
“No.”
“Good.”
More power to you, girl — not that you need it, since R’hllor already keeps you warm and all.
So we’re set for an interesting season. What excites you most, Thronians? The prospect of a Margaery/Cersei showdown? Possible cougar action at the Wall? Tyrion and Dany in Meereen? Something we didn’t see today, like Arya or Dorne? The potential for more dudebutts? Follow along with me this season as we chronicle scenarios both expected and unknown as we catch up to — and pass? — the GRRM storylines. Fingers crossed!
