When they announced an all female Ghostbusters, I was kind of excited, because it seemed like a brilliant alternative to what had become the sad lingering fart of an attempted franchise revival. And a great potential showcase for female comedic talent. Which is important because every time you showcase female comedic talent, Adam Carolla has a tiny stroke.
And when they announced the cast for it, I felt a deep wave of disappointment wash over me.
It’s difficult to parse why the casting is such a bummer, exactly. Because to be clear, it IS a funny cast. I like Kristen Wiig, I love Melissa McCarthy and Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones are intriguing wild cards. So it’s hard for me to imagine that the movie won’t be, at the very least, extremely funny.
It just feels kind of… lazy.
It feels like they more or less picked the first two names off the Hollywood Certified “Women In Comedy” list, and two names off the top of the “Up-And-Comers” list.
To be fair, this is pretty much in following with the blueprint of the original movie, which was well-linked to SNL to start with. But Ghostbusters was a Dan Aykroyd fever dream shaped into a classic due in no small part to some much needed assistance from his comedy buddies.
(And if you want to argue the point, keep in mind that this is what happens when you leave Dan Aykroyd free to his own devices…)
On the other hand, this reboot is a mercenary cash grab where the cast are all hired ducks, as it were. I just don’t see that level of investment and that level of invention coming from this cast and these creators.
Again, this doesn’t mean the movie will be bad. It will definitely be funny. But I can’t imagine it will do that much to distinguish itself from all the other movies that share this same pool of actors and are made by these same writers and directors. Comedy has become a bit of a factory the past couple of years, and this seems like a blown opportunity.
So with that in mind, I’ve done what any self-respecting geek on the internet would do: I made my own version of reality!
(Okay, you guys got me: I’m not really a geek. I’m actually very, very cool. I’m just pretending to be one because nerd shit is super hot right now.)
The actors below are admittedly outside-the-box choices, which is exactly the point. Comedy banks heavy on the element of surprise, and I have no earthly idea what would happen if we put these people in the same room.
I’m pretty sure it’d be really funny, though, so I’m going with that.
The rules are basically that we’re operating under the guideline that the movie is essentially a remake. So we’ll be dealing with the same basic characters. Every role is gender inverted except for Walter Peck, because if you swap that out, you’d have to lose the “Dickless” moment, and I’m simply not willing to do that.
Ready? No? I don’t care, this is happening.
OUR GHOSTBUSTERS:
AMY POEHLER- Okay, if you need some kind of star to be your “lead”, Amy Poehler is a pretty good choice. She’s a big enough name on your poster, but she hasn’t done so many movies that we think we’ve seen the roof of what she can do comedically (which I’d argue may be where we’re at with our real world big names).
ISLA FISHER- So at first, I was seriously considering putting designated ‘Next Big Thing’ Jenny Slate on the team. But the nice thing about doing your Fantasy Casting Draft is that you don’t always have to do the sensible thing. Fisher is somebody who hasn’t been given much in the way of proper vehicles for her deeply demented comedic talent. But as anybody who has seen Bachelorette, Life Of Crime, or even her voiceover role in Rango can tell you, she’s got some serious chops just waiting to be explored.
(By the way, fun fact: Slate is currently writing a Looney Tunes movie! Reconcile that with any single line of dialogue she had in Obvious Child…)
NATASHA LYONNE- I’ve been in love with Natasha Lyonne ever since Slums Of Beverly Hills, and I couldn’t be happier that Orange Is The New Black has raised her profile, even if that joy hasn’t quite extended to me actually watching it). Ghostbusters is a quintessential New York story, and Lyonne is a native. Her real life ‘Hey, whatever works, man’ approach to life seems to me like a similar yet unique alternative to Bill Murray’s particular wavelength.
GABRIELLE UNION- Honestly, Kerry Washington struck me as the best choice here, but I ruled her out due to her Scandal commitments. Other contenders included Regina Hall, Aisha Tyler, and Sanaa Lathan. But in the end I went with Gabrielle Union, because she can do funny and she’d make a good grounding force for the rest of the cast.
(And also maybe some other, personal reasons that are none of your business…)
So that’s our new-fangled Ghostbusters team. And as for the rest…
OUR SUPPORTING CAST:
ADAM BRODY- Subbing in for Annie Potts, I wanted to go with a young intern sort of thing. My first instinct was Dave Franco, but it’s a little too close to the Apatow crew. So instead I went with Adam Brody, who has the proper boyishness and a knack for wringing a lot of dry comedy out of very little screentime. Though in a pinch, I’d settle for Kieran Culkin.
(NOTE: This clip isn’t necessarily the best showcase for his talents, but the alternative was a clip from Growing Up Brady)
DAMON WAYANS JR.- In the ‘Sigourney Weaver’- role, because why not? He can do charming, he can do goofy, he plays very well with others (we still miss you Happy Endings) and his loose-limbed physicality would be perfect for when he gets possessed and turns into a demon dog.
(Actually, Marlon Wayans has the perfect physicality for Demon Dogging, but… )
LAKE BELL- So it was between Lake Bell and Jenny Slate for the Louis Tully role (I was really trying to get Jenny Slate in here somewhere), and in the end I went with Lake Bell because I think her energy is a better match with Damon Wayans Jr.
(Sadly, this is the best clip I could find of her very funny turn in the better than you’d think it’d be Friends With Benefits…)
JOSH BROLIN- Okay, so the obvious choice for our Walter Peck replacement is clearly Jon Hamm. Because I have it on good authority from many, many ladies that Jon Hamm is the obvious choice for most things. Though I suspect when they say that, they mean for the sexing. But I went with Josh Brolin (or as people should start calling him from now on, ‘J-Bro’) instead, mainly because of this.
PARKER POSEY- In my version of the movie, the Mayor has a much larger part and is played by Parker Posey, because if you don’t think I’m going to put Parker Posey in a movie with Natasha Lyonne, then you’re out of your fucking mind.
(No, Blade Trinty doesn’t count…)
And last but not least, Slimer will be played by Uggie The Dog:
…Is that a dated reference? I feel like that might be a dated reference.
Think you can do better? Well you can’t, nerds. But feel free to try in the comments or Twitter or wherever people do these things instead of dedicating themselves to solving actual, real world problems.
